I am verbally abusive.

I (20F) just recently broke up with my boyfriend (22M), but he pushed me to extreme points of anger. If I was upset with him about something, he would twist it so that I’M the one who did something wrong. He would also never apologize for hurting me, but would demand I apologize every time I made a mistake and would continue to yell at me even after I apologized.

We had fights like this every single night, and it made me so incredibly angry. I would cry my eyes out, scream, pull out my hair, throw things at the wall, etc. But what I’m most ashamed of is the things I’d say to him. I’d call him a piece of shit, asshole, evil, ugly, loser, tell him he was a lonely virgin before me because of his behavior, tell him I hate him, and more that I can’t think of right now. It would hurt him a lot when I would say these things but it just felt like I couldn’t control it.

I had two boyfriends before him: one I dated for 3 years and one I dated for 1.5 years. I almost NEVER acted this way with them. Maybe a couple times to a MUCH less degree. My most recent boyfriend just brought something out of me that rarely ever came out. I guess it’s a good thing we broke up, not only for my sake but for his as well.

I have been like this since middle school, minus the yelling and crying. With friends, I would say very offensive and hurtful things. I ended up having no friends left at the end of middle school.

Nobody except the people I date would ever know this about me. Everyone refers to me as “chill”, “laidback”, “sweet”, etc. I only let this side out in front of people I’m VERY comfortable with. I’m wondering if I have some kind of mental illness. None of this sounds normal.