I’m so sick of this

I don’t even know what to say. I need to vent and just get everything off my chest but now I legit can’t find anything to say. I’m so fucking exhausted and I hate myself so much. I’m in the middle of getting my ADHD diagnosis. Finally. I just don’t work like everyone else. I haven’t slept tonight at all. I’ve been overstimulated and overwhelmed for the past 5 hours. I keep forgetting to take my anxiety meds, but tbh I don’t even feel it anymore. It’s like something else has taken over. I don’t want to self diagnose at all, but I feel like I’m becoming depressed. Everything just... idk. Hurts. I feel numb but I also feel too much. I can’t calm down and relax but I also can’t get out of bed. Everything is so fucking painful. I’m so sick of everything right now. Yeah, it’s a new year, “it might be better” “just be patient” “it’s gonna be okay”. Well you don’t know that. I’ve been struggling for so long. I’m not suicidal. I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to live like this anymore. I have a loving family, and I’m in a happy relationship. Shouldn’t that be enough? Why can’t I just be fucking happy? I’m so pissed off and so upset with myself. Idk if I said this already, but I haven’t slept at all. I’m not tired. But I am. Ugh and school is just around the corner again. I can’t do this anymore. I just want like 5 minutes of happiness and silence. Where my head isn’t spinning and overthinking every possible thing. I just want to lay down and sleep. Just sleep. No dreams, nothing. I need a break. I’m so disappointed in myself. Where did the happy version of me go? I don’t recognize myself anymore. I used to have passion and hope and desire to, well, live! I just feel like I’ve failed. It’s 9am now. I don’t want the day to start. I don’t want time to pass at all. Please, I just want to sleep. Can’t someone just take this away from me? I don’t want this anymore Idk what to say Happy new year. Hope you’re all safe. Protect yourselves out there