This is messy. And it just lead to the worst NYE of my life.

Basically, my wife and I have a very bad form of communication in terms of arguing. It reminds me of Scarlett Johansen and Adam Driver in "Marriage Story". We both come from shitty childhood to adult backgrounds: Little support, poor, self-made, bad parents.

Background + Communication

The difference between us is I was lucky enough to leave my abusive situations. It is safe to say we were both physically abused as well as verbally abused. We both witnessed domestic violence growing up, too. I spoke up about this between different family members and was bounced around from family member to family member until I graduated high school. However, my wife, had it bad.

My wife saw her mother pick apart her father, and in turn, her father did some pretty crazy stuff. I guess at one point, he threatened to kill his entire family with power tools he was holding onto.

We both are subjects of growing up with very poor examples of communication.

Fighting

I have noticed lately fights are starting at very small things. For example, she might get me a hot drink when she gets off work. I will say thank you, but emphasize that in the future, I would rather not have neither a coffee nor hot drink because it's cold after the 30 minute back home. This sets things into a downward spiral, where she is in a very bad mood afterward.

This fighting has gotten out of hand since COVID and extra expectations put on me as I am WFH now.

The spiraling will be something like pettiness, sarcastic remarks, telling me that I shouldn't ruin something for her (for example the coffee is her way of saying she likes me). I find myself getting defensive, asking questions such as when would you prefer I tell you I don't want the coffee? She refuses to answers and redirects the conversation to how I shouldn't be saying that in the first place... Next thing you know, I turn into a cynical and satirical ass hat, while she really start to dig deep and destroy my character.

She will say things like how I am fiscally irresponsible. That I do not do any chores around the house, she does all the chores. That she does all of the banking because she can't trust me. She will call me insecure. She mocks the previous action I might be doing, making me feel stupid for doing it.... Our sex life is on the table. And any projects or personal things are also on the table.

Fighting about sex

Now the sex life thing is a problem, I do admit to that. With the fights happening like they have been, I simply do not find my wife sexy after she tells me I have made stupid and bad decisions. Or she refuses to communicate with me on a subject. Or she tells me I am incompetent. I do not have any desire to have sex that day after a fight like this. And I have told her this.

We have a nice and romantic sex life typically. There are no issues there. But as you can she, Ashley is 35 and the conversation about getting pregnant has been going on every month for a year now. Sex has turned into a chore, where I am basically told I have to have sex right this instant or we are going to start a fight. Now, I hear ya ladies on how this is probably a huge double standard. But I would not expect Ashley to have sex at a moment's notice. I don't have that relationship with sex. I typically initiate sex when it seems we are both interested.

I have mentioned all of this and suggested we make sex initiation less utilitarian and more natural. However, I am immediately meant with talks on how "we never have sex", "we are never going to get pregnant", "I don't do anything".

All I want to do is talk about the matter, discuss my interpretation, and come to a resolution that makes both of us happy. I am very well informed of her ovulation cycle. I am happy having sex! So is she! Let's do that, but let's not fight over it. Neither of us are going to want to have sex at that point, as we see being a regular occurrence.

General Fighting

And I can usually put up with this stuff. I know I add fuel to the fire too, where I mock her and voice what I believe her inner thoughts are.

But the last month, I have made a strong effort to notice that we are spiraling, verbally say, "Ashley, we are spiraling right now. I am sorry. We need to stop". However, the grudge doesn't go away, and Ashley keep pressing the point or simply refusing to communicate.

For example, tonight, we had a huge fight while we were packing for a trip. We were sitting down together, we had everything in place to have all weekend chores and errands taken care of, and we were going to have a few days to ourselves. While sitting on the couch, she asked me to put her computer away with mine, for the trip. However, it came out as, "Put this away with your laptop.". I said I would be happy too, if I get a please...

Now, this is something that I think is the root of the fighting. I bring up something I see like this, and I want to be able to have a rational discussion about why we do things one way vs another way. When I do bring it up, it is typically in the moment, as I will forget about it otherwise.

I have tried a few different tactics to be subtle or playful (and of course straight forward most of the time), and they are not well received.

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TLDR

I am at a complete loss on how to better communication at this point. She has mentioned divorce several times now, telling me she absolutely hates being married, only to apologize 20 minutes to an hour later.

I brought up the spiraling earlier, and I think stepping away at that point is the real key. But sometimes that is not practical, as we had to spend two hours driving for our NYE trip. But when I have walked away, said it's spiraling, that has worked out, until recently.

Recently, I feel like my tactics are being recognized, and Ashley's digs are getting that much worst. After all of the hurtful things she said today, I had a major meltdown in the car. I started swearing left and right, again adding fuel to the fire. I felt verbally assaulted at that point. The one person I trust more than anyone felt okay to belittle me into the ground. And I hate that I get treated like this while random strangers and people seem to always get the best of her.

Help save my marriage, Reddit :(