a friend would be nice, an irl one at least

Laughing is an addictive, invigorating drug, which people take for granted. I say that because to me ,it's something quite foreign. The sheer joy, the pure rush of ecstasy that pervades my body from a good old laugh. I'm jealous of those who have friends. I'm jealous of those who have acquaintances. I envy extroverts. I'm disgusted with who I am. I'm unhappy. I think that there's something inherently wrong with me. I've been reclusive and anti social all my life, and I'm not really sure what to do about it. I try to keep myself busy to assuage my loneliness, but at the end of the day, I struggle with the reality that I'm all alone. I've practically been socially isolated for 5 years now, and again, I'm not really sure what to do about it, especially amid this pandemic. I've been trying to build a routine for myself as I realized how depressing it can be when you're aren't accomplishing anything meaningful, but that was pretty short lived. I decided to take a day off from the gym today, however I've failed to touch my book or even leave my apartment. I guess It's okay that I took the day off, but damn, today kinda sucked ass, I didn't do shit. Next time, I think I should just go to the gym, although not do anything too strenuous. I think what I learned today was what happens when a routine falls apart. So what I'll do for next time is get up off my ass and move. I'll read my book and go to the gym, because being on my ass today, all I did was jerk off, eat a shit ton of food, and play video games. Oh well, I guess I'll get back on track tomorrow morning.