2 years, perfect, sudden breakup. help?
she flew to perth for an exchange program. it was going to be 4 months. the month before she left, we spent everyday together. we were happy. we'd talked about the dogs we'd have in the future, how we'd raise them with a kitten so that they'd be okay with each other.
the day before i enlist in the army for national service she sends me an email, telling me she loves me, that she can't wait to get back. the night i enlisted i took photos of myself in my uniform. she wasn't online, so i sent them via email to her. she replied i looked bald and cute, and told me about her day. she had just gone out with a guy that night, which was why she wasn't online to talk. she said she had made a friend of this guy, and she was happy. she didn't have many friends. she ended the email saying she loved me so much.
she doesn't come online for 4 days.
i email and text her phone, asking if she's okay, whether she's injured, whether i've done anything wrong. she replies that everything's fine, in her normal tone. she tells me that something's happened, that she needs to clear her head for awhile.
3 days after that she sends me an email. it's painfully polite. it's so polite. it's the tone she uses on facebook. for people that don't matter to her. she says she's been thinking about it for a long time, and that it won't work out. i try to get her to talk about it. she doesn't want to, she won't pick up my call. she says she's put in a lot of effort, that she is just too tired for it now. she replies to some of my emails. i don't remember what they say, they don't answer any questions and i can't read them right now. so polite. i don't know where she is coming from.
it's been nearly 4 weeks now. she said we would be friends, when the time was right. i sent her an email, telling her how i felt. how i never knew she was hurting so much that it had come to this now.
i don't know what i did. i don't know why this happened?
i've been trying to snap out of it. sometimes it works. as everyone knows, the nights are the hardest. i don't even know what i did.
she doesn't come online anymore. that or she's blocked all of our mutual friends who close to me. she talked(talks?) to one of my mutual friends via skype. he told me she doesn't regret anything of the 2 years, apparently. she's just numb. she is also trying to extend her stay for another 6 months.
2 months before she broke up with me, she got drunk. i carried her home, i bathed her and changed her and held her. and she burst into tears and said that no one had ever taken care of her as well as i did. i held her and told her i loved her.
i don't even know what happened. please help.
Posted Sep 25, 2011, 9:39 PM UTC
Sometimes these things have nothing to do with you or something that you've done. People change and grow apart, especially in the late teens and early 20s. People meet other people they feel are more suited to them. The bottom line is that there's nothing you can do to make someone stick around if they don't want to. Once you get some time and distance from your emotional attachment you'll be able to look back and see why this relationship wasn't as perfect as you thought (Reason 1: she broke up with you).
I'm sorry you're in pain, but it sounds like you're still chasing her and all it is doing is causing her to run away. You've got to stop looking to her to heal your pain because she can't do that for you anymore. She's deliberately drawing new boundaries in communication between the two of you because she doesn't want to interact with you in a way that gives you hope. Believe it or not, she's doing you a favor by drawing those boundaries; she cares about you enough that she doesn't want to string you along.
I know it's not what you want to hear, but the absolute best thing you can do now is to ignore all your instincts to contact her, accept and respect her decision to end the relationship, and start to heal.
Maybe you will be friends someday. You say it yourself in your post - you can try to be friends when the time is right. When there is still romantic interest on either side, the time isn't right. For now, let her go, take a few months to heal properly and go out and meet someone better suited to you. I know it feels like that's impossible, but everyone who has gone through this will testify that there are good things waiting for you once you're willing to let go of the past.
don't worry. all the emails were on the first day, the day she broke up with me. i sent her the email of how i felt 5 days later. i have not contacted her since. it has been 3 weeks.
i truly don't know where it's coming from. i hear what you say, that it must not have been going well since she broke up with me. i know you mean well. it still hurts. there was no indication. in her emails she said she loved me. we talked everyday on msn. everything was fine.
i am sorry but it really hurts that you said that.
thank you for caring enough to reply. it means alot.
I know it hurts, and I'm very sorry for that. I really am. I hope you know that I'm trying to help you because I've been where you are. Because of that, I also recognize that - short of hearing the things that you want to hear - anything that anyone says is going to hurt.
Just know that none of this (the end of your relationship and my advice) is personal and it is not a reflection on you. Sometimes these things just happen - they happen to handsome successful men and they happen to beautiful caring women. It's life. It would be wonderful if the person that you've identified as your one and only would just freaking listen to you, but that's the problem with free will. :)
Continue reaching out for help when you need it. Also, I always find it tremendously helpful to write letters and pour out your feelings. When you're done, delete them or print them and rip them up. It sounds silly, but it works. Also, the standard advice of deleting from facebook and hitting the gym are oft repeated here and that's because they work. Work out so much that you're so tired that you can't bother to be upset. It will also help you sleep at night.
Trust that you WILL get through this and you will come out a better man in the end.
i know you are trying to help, truly. and i also realise the truth in what you said, about reacting badly to things i do not want to hear. truly, i do not know where it came from. my friends are baffled, some hate her for doing this to me. they know i would have done anything for her, she had only needed to ask. the last normal email she sent, she wrote "Love you so so so much!!!", and then she broke up with me. they are as confused as i am.
i smiled at your second paragraph.
my father told me to do as you said as well, to write a letter, to her, about everything, and to throw it away. that was the email i sent her 5 days later, it wasn't filled with hate or desperation or anything. it was like...an epilogue. sometimes i think it was a mistake.
i am afraid to talk to my friends about this anymore. it has been a month and it is all i think about it. i am afraid of pushing my friends away any more than i already have. i don't want this to define who i am. so i am working to get out of it.
thank you for talking to me about this.
crying helps, but sometimes the pressure builds in my chest so much that i just need to talk to someone about it.
it's really the suddenness that is so hard to take. i always thought relationships died after a huge argument. or perhaps over time and people becoming more distant with each other. it never occurred to me that the girl i loved would just stop loving me one day. that everything would be perfect, and then it would suddenly end. i never thought this could happen.