Source
r/OCPoetry•
smitsanghavi22

In defense of detours

I’m proud of the road I’ve taken  
Glad to have reached here so fast  
Got a clear view of the next leg  
And I mean to speed on full blast


I’ve always taken the highway  
Straight line from point A to B  
Enjoyed the journey as well  
Sung songs, stopped for tea  


But the romantic in me still struggles  
His distaste for efficiency plain  
A hunger for some story rumbles  
Who cares for a tale without pain!  


He longs to run outta gas  
Or get lost in the some dreary woods  
He longs to get a tire flat  
He longs for the scenic routes

Feedback #1, #2

Posted Jan 17, 2021, 8:43 PM UTC

164
evergreendreamz•

ooo i enjoyed this! i think it's a great description of feeling bored with one's life (or a success as it sounds like?). i would really like to hear more about the narrator in this poem. he's still so vague after a couple of reads, i understand a general theme of wishing for more ~substance~ (or even conflict?) in life, but i feel somewhat distant from this poem. like, what has the narrator done successfully? just drive to a destination? or is it a metaphor for something else?

the title is so interesting to me but i don't see it played out enough in the poem. i get the sense the narrator longs for more detours but what are you defending them from? would love to see this poem fleshed out/ get specific. great topic & great writing so far.

4
smitsanghavi22OP•

Thanks a lot for the feedback! Yes, the drive is a metaphor for life. And the topic is the romanticization of struggle in the mind of someone who has followed a straight line to success.

I'll be working on this a bit more to flesh it out :)

2
TJSSherman•

It takes a lot, in my opinion, to develop a rhyming poem without it being cheesy, and I think you did a good job of making it work for you. As the previous person noted though, I think it could explore the theme more—what does running out of gas, dreary woods, tires, and scenic routes mean to the narrator? Why do they desire them?

1
tim0777•

This is really fun. It struck me as a larger metaphor for life and (to an extent) the need to self-destruct or experience difficulty when you’ve reached your goals and haven’t really felt the struggle. As though the narrator is thinking there is more to be learned from the zig-zag mess of a route with pot holes and all. That’s just a thought provoking thing to write about, and the metaphor used in this of actual road travel is nice. I also quite like your rhythm in this, it doesn’t really stumble at all in my head.

Thank you for posting this, love it! :)

1