Advice on confidence

Hello all!

I’m a professional freelance oboist and would love any advice on how to build my confidence up. For some years now my critical voice has become so loud and overrides any other, be it confident, hopeful, even those of enjoyment.

I’m determined not to give up but it’s hard for me to enjoy and do well when I play with orchestras because I feel so insecure and like every inaccuracy I make is noticed and judged by everybody. It’s been this way for years and it’s only recently that I’ve noticed how prevalent it is.

Obviously I’m not working much at the moment so whenever I do have some playing work it feels quite overwhelming.

I feel like an imposter and that I’m just no good, that I’m no longer cut out for high level performing. I know deep down somewhere that this is wrong. I know that I’m good and that if I could just get past my fear and criticism, I’d actually be a lot better!

How can I deal with this both on a longer term level but also in those moments when performing when the terror just grips you?