I struggle so much

I've been taking long looks at myself and my actions lately. And I do not particularly like myself. I see a lot of what I do, I do for myself without much thought to others. I think my wife is realizing that too. I'm afraid to lose her. Maybe I'm just depressed. There are more and more nights at home by myself when it's quiet in the house, but loud in my head. I'm just constantly frustrated and never moving. Wanting to talk but no one to talk too. Then I think about Colin, and about how poor of a father figure I have become. I am basically out of his life and it kills me. It hurts more that sometimes I don't even notice. I'm a terrible dad. This feeling/thought circle has its ups and downs but I feel myself slipping further, deeper into the whirlpool. I'm scared, but maybe there will be one less jerk, one less creep, one less bump on the log and the world will be a better place. When I have these thoughts, I try harder for everyone I meet to make their day better and a little brighter. Maybe I want to atone for myself but if I can pass on the light of a better tomorrow, I think I'm ok with being ground down until I quit or become dust.