Thank you for your thoughts and critique, they will be very helpful in working on this book. I can understand most of it. The realism part was a good point, and something I can definitely look at and analyze. I was not thinking of how people think, but more the content of the thoughts. I'll have to observe my own thoughts for a kind of realism and then envision how Nam's thoughts would look. I can get monloguey as well, and this seems to go along with one of the consistent remarks from commenters about "purple" prose, which is a term I had to look up. Having written poetry for the great majority of my writing life, I was more or less ignorant of this concern, and so it is good that I have learned to watch out for it when it distracts more than informs or grabs the reader. I like the idea of showing rather than telling in some places. I like my similes a lot so I'm going to try and get creative with stuff Nam can do or experience to portray them rather than in the stated way that I have

**Prose**

Prose isn’t bad but needs some refinement. Again, I’ve broken my advice down into some points. 

**1)** **Too much imagery**

The prose needs to be less verbose. In particular, there is too much imagery and I feel this subtracts from the story’s momentum and early propulsion.

Take these examples and have a look at how I have done some cuts unnecessary imagery. 

*The hatch creaked with rust, and the cold air of the early morning hours rushed* *~~in like the underground bunker was taking a deep breath.~~*

Similes like this subtract from the action, especially so early on in the story. As a reader, it’s an effort to learn the character and his world when it’s packed with similes.  

His coat was warm but his thoughts were cold and analytical~~, the kind of analytical that leads a deer to just stare at the lights of an oncoming truck.~~

Another example. In this instance, referring to a deer and oncoming truck also lifts me out of the dystopian future you are trying to create

Hi Clean\_Isopod6125,

Here’s my critique

**General remarks**

Overall, I thought shaping the introduction around Lam leaving the commune and his ruminations works well. That being said, I have some suggestions on how you could better go about this and make the story read better. 

**Mechanics**

**1.**  **Internal monologue.**

This is where the most work can be done. I’ve broken my advice down into three points.

**1)** **Realism**

Lame’s dialogue and internal thoughts need to be more realistic. At the moment, they feel too rigid and formulaic at times. While you do successfully convey the moral turmoil he is experiencing, I don't feel like he is a real person. 

Take this example -

“I would have damned myself if I did, but is the damnation that I didn’t any better?” Nam thought to himself. “My conscience would have played either side against me. That man did not deserve my mercy. He was evil, and yet my conscience stayed my hand.” 

*It would be wrong to kill him, no matter your 

Thank you for your thoughts. They follow what others have commented, and so they should be worth following. I am quite excited about the "show rather than tell" idea that has been suggested a few times. It gives me a new way of communicating thoughts that up to now I wasn't cognizant of. It will also give me some added room to play with where the story will go. I have the first couple chapters worked out, and a few more that will come much later, but I'm not sure where to go after chapter 2 yet, so this idea will be useful for figuring that out. Yeah, there should be a lot of animals in this setting because the humans are all but gone, so nature would be taking over. I could work on adding more imagery to that effect. Construction overrun by vegetation taking back the area for example. Rats would be good to add somewhere I think...it would give a sense of the nature of the world, being that rats are normally skittish and hide. Being out in droves would be surprising but for the lack of

First time critiquer, but will give this ago. 

**General Remarks**

The good: I think you have a lot of interesting and difficult concepts going on about guilt and conscience and the choices someone like Nam has been forced to make. Also there's the contrast of the macro-level powerlessness with the micro-level power over another human's life. And, the world comes across like it actually exists. 

The bad: I personally found it hard to read and really struggled after the first few paragraphs. Although the good thing (IMO) is that can be fixed!

**Mechanics**

I think there are a few too many similes. As an example:

> ... The hatch creaked with rust, and the cold air of the early morning hours rushed in like the underground bunker was taking a deep breath

I'm not claiming to be a good writer, but I do think trying to describe these kinds of things instead of doing the "like ..." or "as if ..." can help. I'll give it a try:

>... Nam opened the bunker's rusty hatch and felt a cold str

Woah, give a guy a paragraph why don't you?

> I mentioned that my intention for this story is that it will be very psychologically focused. With that in mind, does the constant focus on his thoughts over his actions make more sense? I do intend to add more actions that present his thoughts and feelings in some way, but before I start adding them in everywhere, do you think I should keep it mostly thoughts since I want the story to be very psychological?

I think it depends on the thought and how it's expressed. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with an introspective beginning, but that could still be accomplished while your character engages with the setting a bit more than he does. I certainly don't need a gunfight on a page one, but if you could use even a few simple gestures to replace some of those more awkwardly worded lines, especially those expositional lines of internal dialogue, it would make the reading feel a lot more balanced. I don't think that would have to detract fro

Hi, thank you for commenting. The sentence about his metal arm is indeed confusing. I tend to get protective of my overly poetic lines because I love them, but I can see how that sentence really doesn't make a whole lot of sense. There are a few like that that I will rework. I have a good/bad habit of following word play wherever it goes, which can be good, but also can be excessive and annoying, and really meaningless all things considered. It will be something I keep in mind as I edit. Purple prose is a new concept for me, and one that I think I would greatly benefit in avoiding. Yeah, I can see that blood doesn't really "dust" things. That came from my poetic side. It's the kind of line I would write in a poem. "Psychology bleeding into biology" is another one of those lines that came from my poetic side. It was in reference to how strong anxiety can actually cause ulcers in the stomach and that they will bleed into the stomach. At least this is what I understand can happen. I might

**Read-through (Continued)**

> Nam decided that he would make the journey to Ludd.

> He knew it would take a few days to get there, but also that he should be able to avoid any roaming EitS drones and grudgers. He thought that after some time walking in thought, his conscience might let up on its assault. Maybe he could even reason himself out of his guilt?

> This thought was deceptive, and he knew it, but it was comforting nonetheless. His mind was stuck back in the commune, wishing that the last week would be stricken from the history books kept by the passage of time;

There’s so much… thinking. Line after line about what the character knew or thought. In one sentence, your protagonist has a thought about walking in thought about what his thoughts might do. Even something that could be phrased as an active All this after those excessive lines of internal dialogue, spelling out his/her thoughts. I’d rather see what your character actually *does* besides thinking about his guilt al

Hey, I’m some internet stranger and I read your story. I’m just going to do a read-through and offer some closing thoughts at the end. I think your biggest issue is your tendency to say “he thought this, he thought that.” I think it’s excessive in the narration, but some of the internal dialogue is really grating to read because of how forced and expositional it feels. 

**Read-through**

> Outside the commune it was cold

You just said that cold air rushed in, this isn’t needed. 

> His right arm ached near the spot where metal, contracting in the sea of frost before him, replaced the emptiness of his phantom limb

I gather he/she’s and amputee, but I don’t know what the “sea of frost” is. Maybe the grass? If so, that would sound like his arm is in the grass.

> His coat was warm but his thoughts were cold and analytical, the kind of analytical that leads a deer to just stare at the lights of an oncoming truck.

This feels to me like you are forcing a comparison between “coat” and his

Thank you for your thoughts :) Working on being more concise I see to be a very good thing to work on. I have a tendency to explain things into oblivion; following metaphors and ideas where they lead, which gives me a good understanding, but I can see how it can also be distracting. It was surprising to me that you thought I have away too much in describing the people of Ludd. I was honestly worried that I hadn't explained enough. I'll be sure to make sure that I am giving away information naturally, rather than narrated in most cases. I like the idea that the reader finds out along the way without much exposition. I'll need to find a happy medium though cause I still can envision the story not making sense if I don't explain some things explicitly. Yes, the killing took place in the commune which is why Nam was thinking back to it, but you are correct in pointing out that I did not mention that. I'll find a place to add that detail. The quote from Provost seems to be very good advice 

# Story

* Your opening has a lot of potential but I believe you can execute it better. We’re introduced to this character named Nam who seems to be processing  the aftermath of a disastrous event. You tell us about how Nam’s wife killed his best friend for committing a sinnister act, and the “justice” his spouse seeked to obtain ensues a character he’s never seen in her before- “And yet guilt came just the same when his wife took up the knife without restraint; with eyes that Nam had never seen before.” It’s a good start. A Character is in trouble, we don’t know exactly what kind and on what level, but there’s a problem- that’s good, already makes the protagonist a little interesting. On top of that he’s having conflicting thoughts while he seems to be on the run, however, a lot of the sentences you construct to immerse the reader into his racing mind are over the top. I wouldn’t say this is a result of being a bad writer, the story’s pretty decent, I would just say clean things up, a

No, mines a play on Luddite like you thought, and like King did. I just didn't know King did it. Im going to read his Dark Tower series to see what hes done with this type of story.

Ah, ok. So you took the name from the Biblical reference? I assumed it was an homage to King.

Oh, i had no idea that Stephen King had already written that. Thank you for pointing it out. Im not emotionally invested in the name or title, and so it will be an easy change, and a change i would want to make now that im aware.

I haven't read the piece, but I just wanted to stick my nose in to give you the same advice I gave to the author who posted his science-fiction tale a while ago with a main character named "Arthur".

Having a post-apocalyptic story with a location called "Ludd" has the same problem. Stephen King already has an extremely popular post-apocalyptic story with a city called Lud (a play on 'luddite', as I assume yours is as well).

Inviting comparisons to Stephen King's *Dark Tower* story, however tangentially, isn't wise. Just as invoking Douglas Adams's *Hitchhiker's Guide* books with a science-fiction main character named Arthur isn't wise.

You might think its some sort of homage, but if you ever want the story to be read by a wide audience, do you really want people to immediately compare it to a hugely successful work by a famous author?

Looking for any and all critique. This is the first chapter of a post-apocalyptic sci-fi fantasy novel I want to write. Let me know if it catches the reader. This chapter is very introspective, but if its too much that is something I would like to know as well. I know I have trouble with verb tenses, so pointing out where they are inconsistent would be helpful. If there is a lack of knowledge that decreases interest, that would be good to know too. Figuring out what to explain and what not to explain is hard when there is a whole novel yet to write.

\[Submission\]([https://docs.google.com/document/d/12GBOmOrK9PtPvx1gilDj9bfH-R2lemuUlaySobtU9OA/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/12GBOmOrK9PtPvx1gilDj9bfH-R2lemuUlaySobtU9OA/edit?usp=sharing))

Critiques 

\[\[812\] Splintered Elm\]([https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/l3sa5o/812\_splintered\_elm/](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/l3sa5o/812_splintered_elm/))

\[\[747\] The Rules of Language\]([https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/l1ipc1/747\_the\_rules\_of\_language/](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/l1ipc1/747_the_rules_of_language/))

[1556] Ludd, Chapter 1