Full time work guilt

For context, I’m a secondary teacher/pastoral leader and love my job. I plan to go back at the beginning of June full time. My LO (who will be 10.5 months in June) will be doing four days at nursery and one day with grandma. We could afford for me to do 4 days a week if we made some adjustments. However, I wouldn’t easily be able to do my pastoral role part time and that’s the part of the job I love the most.

Most of my friends are planning on going back part time and feel that if they could afford to be a full time mum, they would do. I feel the opposite. I love my LO with all my heart but the last 6 months have been really tough on me (current circumstances have massively exacerbated this). I spend most of the day filling time. I don’t use my brain. I miss teenage/adult conversation. I miss being in front of a group of kids and supporting them, helping them and motivating them. I miss the validation I get from doing my job.

I feel horribly guilty about feeling this way. I feel like I don’t love my LO as much as other mums do because I want to still work full time for selfish reasons. I’ve rationalised it that I get about 60 days off a year so that’s like working 4 days a week with some annual leave. I know it’s “blink and you miss it” with babies but I do feel like I’ll spend plenty of time with him whilst trying to keep my own identity.

Friends are surprised that I’m not going back part time and have hinted that I’ll be missing out on so much like socialising with other mums, baby groups etc. That’s made me feel so much worse.

Can I please hear some positive stories about full time workers (particularly teachers) in a similar position?