Source
r/HFY•
Recon1342

Humans are stealthier than the aliens think we are...

PI

Next

Ixitl sighed as he set up camp for the last time behind a dense hedge to shelter from the infernal wind that seemed to be the hallmark of this cursed planet. “Brzla, can you please set up the optics so we can complete this blasted reconnaissance mission?”

“I’m already on it,” Brzla replied, “although I don’t see why the Hegemony needs any more info on these ‘Huu-mens’; they’re loud, and smelly, and fight with each other more than any other species we’ve seen.”

Ixitl huffed through his mandibles, “I don’t pretend to know why the Hegemony thinks we need to prepare for military action against Terra, these hairless apes will not even challenge our might.”

“It won’t be as easy as you think.”

Brzla turned to reply and went wide-eyed when she saw Ixitl laying on the ground, passed out cold. “Ixitl, what happened?!?”

“He fainted when I told him it wouldn’t be easy” the Hedge replied...

Posted Feb 20, 2021, 2:19 AM UTC · edited

2.2K79
WenderToast•

Fuggin bush wookies

534
Recon1342OPHuman•

Thanks! That’s a perfect name for the universe...

273
kwintlz•

Let the bush wookies universe be glorious!

114
Itajel•

BUSH WOOKIES!!!

81
Brillek•

Bush wookie is a term usually used in strategic shooters, (think Arma and Post Scriptum). It describes stealthy bastards hiding in bushes, ambushing prey that comes near them.

61
BunnehZniprHuman•

Man that takes me back... back to the good old days of Arma 2 wasteland... How I miss it.

13
Ardzrael•

Can you include the phrase "Wookie's Bush" in your story too?

8
StarshadowRose•

Holy crap. that's a term i never thought I needed to hear related to humans. Freaking amazing

74
spindizzy_wizardHuman•

Short but sweet. Are you thinking of taking it any further?

Edit: It's not as fantastical as it sounds, from IR to UV humans are able to hide ourselves pretty good. Not necessarily all at the same time, but we can dream.

123
Recon1342OPHuman•

I really don’t know. This is the first time in 20 years I’ve written anything for my own pleasure. Might be worth exploring further... what do you think?

106
spindizzy_wizardHuman•

I extended my earlier response.

You could do something with it. Anywhere from humorous,

  • "I didn't know the Humans were going to be here!" "Neither did the ambassador until the barbarian cream pie hit him out of nowhere."

  • Tricksters Inc. A comedy of errors as you like it.

To annoying adventurous,

  • Humans become the most persistent and successful paparazzi in the galaxy.

  • A persistent but inept paparazzi cannot be seen but always forgets to conceal something. The aliens can play along for the laughs or turn the tables by having another paparazzi catch him/her.

To deadly serious,

  • You are on the front line of battle, and your allies have been overrun. Do you: silently withdraw to find whatever dregs of your allies are left? Move through the enemy to get clear of the battle, then see what the options are? Stick around and raise hell with the enemy army?

  • Pirates take the ship you were on, no shrubs to hide behind here!

67
Ddreigiau•

Pirates take the ship you were on, no shrubs to hide behind here!

You, sir, have obviously never heard of ventilation ducts and overhead piping. There's tons of places to hide on at least a naval ship, and, I assume, a spacegoing one as well.

[realism buzzkill: vent ducts actually can't be traversed on ships because the corners have fins made of 1/4" steel to help redirect airflow in them]

48
spindizzy_wizardHuman•

Ventilating ducts I already discounted. Overhead piping is possible, but if this is a passenger ship there are better possibilities. If you're familiar enough with a large ship engine room (ocean going) there have got to be a ton of human shaped nooks to sneak into. Just don't use the one where the diesel rocker arm goes. If you aren't squished, you will be pummeled.

28
dmcfarland08•

Sub or surface?

(The rest is more for the crowd than you, since I assume you know)

There are plenty of places to hide on a warship ship that no one ever checks. Mobility is a different matter. Ironically the vent-spaces would be the best hiding spots, but terrible for mobility. You’ll have large rooms for filters and fans. Actually getting into the ducts would be dangerous. With a disguise you could move around at “night” if there is one. Which could be funny because everyone would assume their stowaway is going through the vent ducts and such because how many people actually know the design of their own ship? Not many. Then you’d have those couple of officers who do, but deny that there is anyone onboard because it would be ridiculous to move through vent ducts. Meanwhile the human is off in the corner in one of their uniforms with some cleaning supplies, expertly hiding his face hands (and upper torso) behind a wire way, pretending to clean. (Realism could play into it, too for a military ship; some NCO comes by and tells him to quit pretending to clean, yells at him for slacking off, but since he’s back there anyway to get whatever dust bunnies are back there and the human gets him to leave by actually cleaning.) Since most wireways and electrical cables would run horizontally he’d be laying down and it would be easier to hide and more understandable that he didn’t extricate himself to confront the guy.

You also typically don’t have lots of ways in and out of spaces, for compartmentalization (always at least two so you can escape a fire that blocks one exit) and most hatches are noisy because they’re made of metal.

Piping in the overheads would be hard to traverse sneakily because: 1: Supporting hangers would get in the way. 2: Clearance wouldn’t always be ideal (but could be by design did the sake of the story) 3: Pipes often carry thinks that are very hot. 4: Good lord there is soooooo much mold up there.

If the ship is alien in design, especially using bots for maintenance, you might have maintenance passageway that could be used.

11
rowanblaze•

Yippee'kiyay!

5
twistedmic•

I'd like to add a horrifically scary (and maybe a little bit darkly humorous) scenario.

A xeno soldier/warrior is relieved from his watch in the middle of the night and immediately falls asleep. He wakes up in the morning, surrounded by snow and covered with a blanket made from the scalps/hides of the other soldiers in his group.

13
spindizzy_wizardHuman•

Yipe!

1
MaxWyghtAlien Scum•

r/Murdercube

1
Twister_Robotics•

If the aliens are not as good at detecting stealth as we are, they probably aren't as capable of stealth. We have better perception so we developed better stealth techniques.

16
AmayaMaka5•

Also our prey often had better perception than us, so we had to get better.

14
Mondasin•

I'll see if I can A, find the green text from 4chans /k/ board, and B, see if it has any language not suitable outside of 4chan.

but those autists did try to make up an undetectable suit once.

8
KromaatikseAndroid•

You don't even have to make all that much stuff up - look up "ghillie suit". While the basic suit can be thermally uncomfortable and prominent in the thermal infrared to observers, there are advanced versions that include internal cooling systems and external insulation to eliminate even these defects, at least for a while. I'm sure it makes them even heavier and more expensive.

8
Mondasin•

yea but I was trying to find a stupid post about them doing it in the dumbest way possible, including using VHS tape and a car door for some reason, but I don't remember enough about the greentext to find it again.

3
KromaatikseAndroid•

There was one on here about xenos thinking they were all stealthed up - wearing bright red uniforms. Turned out most xenos couldn't see red. Easy to imagine turning that around and having humans wear orange hunting jackets.

7
ilovewoofwoofs•

The heck, you found it yet

1
NightFlash478•

now imagine aliens reacting to humans in ghillie suits rushing them en masse and making obscene noises, would they know its humans in outfits? or would they think "ANGRY PLANT RUNRUNRUNRUNRUN"

61
Nekowulf•

"Commander, the post mortem report from the loss of squad 23. Intel suggests a new subspecies of human, one with camouflaged plumage."
"Camouflaged plumage? Must be a mutant, genetic dead end. How would it find a mate? Surely they can't have many of them."
"You would be surprised." replied the moss clump the commander had been using as a side table.

86
NightFlash478•

Exactly what i was hoping for as a reply, though i did not know i hoped for it at the time.

36
guyinthecapHuman•

It would be like the climax of Macbeth, when Macbeth's soldiers think the trees themselves are attacking.

6
ack1308•

"Stay quiet, men. The humans will never know we're here until it's too late for them."

"Commander?"

"Yes, what is it?"

"What is that on the back of your helmet?"

The Commander took his helmet off and stared at the scrawled drawing. "I ... have no idea."

"It's supposed to be a dick," said the tree beside him apologetically. "Sorry; you moved before ... wow, those little buggers can run."

58
wasalurkerforyearsRobot•

If it moves, a human will draw a dick on it.

19
Heavy299Human•

it if doesn't, we still will

14
Valley_of_River•

This was always the way. Just look at Pompeii.

7
BCRE8TVEAI•

"Funny, you reacted the same way the Russians did when the snow spoke Finnish, and as the Americans did when the bushes started speaking Vietnamese."

45
lehombrejokerAlien•

????!?!!!?

14
cctsfr•

Finish snipers and vietcong

21
lehombrejokerAlien•

My comment is from the aliens perspective.

11
BCRE8TVEAI•

They say you never invade Russia in the winter because you will lose. Russia tried to invade Finland in winter, and it did not go well for them.

It also did not go well for the Americans in Vietnam.

We humans can be a pretty darn sneaky bunch when we want to.

15
Heavy299Human•

"and when the mountains and forests started to speak in tagalog, the americans and japaneese that is" said the lump of dirt someone was sitting on

3
ThatCamoKid•

When the trees start speaking Terran

27
mafistic•

Please tell e we are getting a knites of nii defending earth

20
theredeemer•

The humans have defeated us and are preparing for a full counter invasion. They told us they would only relent on one condition...

8
mafistic•

What is it

5
Javaed•

A shrubbery

5
mafistic•

Just shrubbery, what's so great about it

4
Remember_Poseidon•

why not write a thing about humans sneaking up on people without trying to, just going about their day then they scare someone by being there.

15
ack1308•

I work security.

Now, I am not a small person. I wear heavy boots, and I have jingling keys that go on my hip.

And yet I still manage to sneak up on people.

In a library.

20
Chiashi_Zane•

Former manager made me wear a bell. An actual cow bell. It didn't work. Sneaky isn't a mindset. It's just...natural.

9
Remember_Poseidon•

it's easy to sneak up on someone reading a book.

8
Twister_Robotics•

I turned a corner at work one time, face to face with the secretary. It took her brain a couple seconds to process, then she actually screamed.

9
Remember_Poseidon•

I hate to be the first too tell you but she screamed because your ugly, or she's doing something illegal and doesn't want you to know.

6
Twister_Robotics•

My momma says I'm handsome.

5
Twister_Robotics•

I did not explain well. She was coming around the same corner from the other direction, and we met in the middle.

4
Remember_Poseidon•

Ah yes because you met in the middle that means she couldn't have been doing something illegal so sorry pal.

3
TheBarracudaHuman•

That last line gave me a good laugh and I woke my dogs up from the other room! ReconShyamalan

11
Def_Not_Alt_Acct•

The Hegemony is gonna get their asses handed to them by the Percean League and Tri-Tachyon. Maybe the Luddic Path too

11
krackalackalicious•

Hedgemony...

I'll show myself out.

12
Recon1342OPHuman•

Totally worth it!

3
renegade_9•

I am the lorax, I speak for the trees. And the trees for some reason speak vietnamese.

8
ilovewoofwoofs•

Yes

1
diamondpython•

aliens when the bushes start speaking huumen

7
HyperionPhalanx•

"damn humans and their jungles! where are they!?"

!" ngay sau lưng mày"!<

7
Hyperion5182•

We are loud, smelly, and fight with ourselves all the time.

Until we choose not to and we become ghosts.

6
panzer7355•

"Terran "snipers" would crawl with fingers and toes to approach the target without being detected, under the ghillie suit they look like a pile of weed and grass, a pile of grass that is sentient, moving, and with malicious intentions. " — Fighting Alongside Deathworlders, Deilphaeth Threseall G.D.X

"MOVE BETWEEN THE LINES — A SOLDIER BREAKING THE CONFINES! " — Famous Terran war chant by Sabaton

"(Biome) is speaking (Terran language). " — Terran military joke format, source unknown

6
HFYWaffleWᵥ4ffle•

This is the first story by u/Recon1342!

This comment was automatically generated by Waffle v.4.4.4 'Eggs and Bacon'.

Message the mods if you have any issues with Waffle.

5
Vitaminite•

Very nice and simple. Good job!

5
GingerMcGinginII•

MOVE BETWEEN THE LINES
A SOLDIER BREAKING THE CONFINES

4
ytphantomHuman•

The hedges speaking English over here

3
neon_ns•

Bushmonsters

3