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gubjo•

I really love the simplicity of this poem and the first two lines have a beautiful rhyming scheme. The last line I find disquieting but it seems like part of the intent of the poem to evoke that emotion.

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cmacncheesepoetreeOP•

Thanks for reading and the feedback. I didn't immediately notice the rhyme scheme but that makes the last line even more standoffish, huh? A happy coincidence.

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ParadiseEngineer•

I love a good, short, image-packed poem - It kinda reminds me of the only other William Carlos Williams poem I know, Poem (as the cat), in that it describes the action of an animal in concise detail.

All I have to offer as a suggestion for improvement, is that perhaps it needs just one comma. In L2, the flow was disrupted for me, when I was trying to place the pause - consider maybe changing it to 'into a wall, too clean to see'?

Other than that, great read, I hope my feedback has been helpful :)

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cmacncheesepoetreeOP•

I agree the comma would be a better pause. I think an additional one at the end of that same line may even make it better too. Thanks for reading and commenting!

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Low-Tie-9668•

You’re obviously much more skilled than I am, so I can’t offer you a worthy critique, but I mean, the picture you painted in just four lines... bravo. It’s almost ironic such deft words were used to describe a Windex commercial lol. Really though, for whatever it’s worth, I enjoyed this poem.

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