Motivation at an all time low, anxiety that I’m killing myself at an all time high. On my days off I can’t get myself off the couch and I can’t stop eating (often I sleep in so late I can’t take my Vyvanse) and on days I work I see people dying young from unhealthy life choices

So, I’m a nurse in my mid 20s working in an ER in not a great part of town. I care for the COVID patients, the heart attacks, and the psychiatric emergencies with relative ease. Death is a part of the job, but lately I’ve seen a few deaths of young people (I’m talking below 60) who are generally healthy other than being obese or having other mild medical histories. I am obese and can’t help but think my incredible lack of self control (thanks ADHD) is partly to blame. I also can’t help but see myself in that death bed in only 30-40 short years...

On days off, I forget or plain don’t want to take my meds (I’ve been on these things for a good 10 years and they have made my quality of life so much better) and I watch crime shows on the couch while eating mindlessly and slipping in and out of naps. I can’t get myself to clean our filthy little apartment or sometimes I even have to fight with myself to shower. I feel like before this whole pandemic I couldn’t have possibly been this bad, but who really remembers anything back that far now anyway?

I don’t want to be this way anymore, but my self control and lack of motivation are a deadly cocktail. I’ll go work out for a week or two and then not go again for months. Lately I’ve tried to lift myself up by telling myself to do just one thing a day. Clean the bathroom, water the plants,pick up the dirty laundry. But I can’t help but think I’m sitting here watching myself die slowly.

I don’t know, I guess I just want someone to say they’ve been here too... I just want to be able to have a nice clean apartment and at least be semi healthy... ADHD has been manageable up to this point but now I don’t know what to do...

Thanks for listening