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Today I had an experience that I decided to write a poem about to get the feelings out on paper
I was surprised by an acquaintance today Someone who is thoughtful and kind.
Who tries to learn and tries to be better, Or so they would have had me believe.
They used a term that belongs to another, It is not ours to use they were told.
And rather than apologise and correct it, They doubled down - not what I expected.
Our duty is to speak up for oppressed voices, Voices silenced, ignored, discarded.
We are supposed to amplify their message, Not tokenise them, use good deeds as weapons.
They hurt people with harmful words, Ignored those too long ignored.
We tried to educate, implored them to listen, Instead they chose to close the door.
I was surprised by an acquaintance today, Those who they hurt were not.
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Posted Mar 11, 2021, 9:37 PM UTC
Someone used a slur? Hm, maybe it would be better if you stopped skirting around the theme of the poem, and instead either made it more specific (as to capture a raw, harsh, and gritty feeling) or more vague (as to focus more on how you felt, and make the poem more relatable).
I'm not sure if you want to make it seem as though this acquaintance was trying to deceive you, or that they were secretly evil. Because that's not what happens, right? When people show their bigotry, they don't pull off a mask and grow fangs and grin maliciously. So I think it's more important to tackle the subject of people casually crossing the line, and how it's shocking to see a familiar - even comforting - face say something so cruel. It will also give more meaning to your last line, which I really like. "I was surprised by an acquaintance today/ Those who they hurt were not." The person you know is the same person they know, but you perceive them in different ways based on how they act in front of you.
Looks like Reddit's awkward formatting has claimed yet another victim, I think there are supposed to be breaks in your lines? Even still, it would probably be good to knock off a few of those commas, it makes it seem as though these are sentences, when they wouldn't actually work as sentences (they're phrases without any words like 'but' or 'and' to string them together).
Thank you for all this feedback it is so appreciated! Not a slur it was more a case of appropriation of “smudging” Something common in neo pagan groups that we try to stop in one I am a part of.
I am extremely new to writing poetry so will definitely try again in the ways you said.
I don’t think they were trying to deceive me purposely and that’s a great point
Yes I was using the commas to try and separate lines lol I need to work on that too.
You’ve been super helpful
No problem! I think you've got a cool concept on your hands here, and I'd love to see a revised version if you decide to make one. But I also totally understand the need to just get something out of your mind and on paper.