A dreadful night
[deleted]
Posted Mar 22, 2021, 3:03 PM UTC · edited
[deleted]
Posted Mar 22, 2021, 3:03 PM UTC · edited
I think there is a certain honesty and clarity to your poem. the rhyming makes it read like a rap or a spoken word poem. I like the line: "Maybe the strong me died And weak me survived." It sums up the theme of living in the aftermath of a "fight" (whatever that alludes to) and I like how you repeated it. and the end line gives a glimmer of hope which is good. for things to improve, personally I would make every sentence starting with a capital letter a new line (instead of having two sentences in one line if that makes sense). I also think you could pick stronger word choices at times. "here I am living in my fears" could be "I'm submerging in my fears". "like a painful reminder of that night" could be "like a bitter flashback of that night". I'm not saying mine are great examples, I just think your poem could benefit from more punchy language. maybe try practicing more "showing not telling" in writing. it's a poem with potential imo.
Thankyou so much for the reply and ur example are great. I would definitely make the changes to them since this is an unedited draft it needs many improvements. Thanks again forr taking your time to read it
You're welcome I'm glad I could be of some help
Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).
If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.
If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.