How to deal with waiting

I have at least two years before I can start the evaluation to see of I qualify for HRT because of the long wait times and the system where I live. I'll hopefully be seeing a gender therapist in two months from now.

I've been questioning my gender for about two years now, it came out of nowhere at age 32 and hasn't left me alone since. Becuse of the lack of signs, and the fact that I'm non binary but still wish to be read and percieved as a man (I'm AFAB) I can't really connect to the talk about feeling like a binary man etc, (and it's confusing because part of me wants to be one, part of me don't) I am constantly doubting myself. It's like there is this solid wall inside of me that just refuses to accept myself as trans. It just feels so outlandish that I should be trans. Yet I think about it near constantly.

I have found aome voping mechanisms, like working out, to distract my feelings and thoughts. As a result I work out for several hours a day. I quit all trans related media, subreddits etc cold turkey a few months ago in hopes it would clear my head and not make me hink about trans stuff all the time, it kind of worked but not really.

These past days I've had near anxiety attacks from folding my underwear (boxers) as I just feel like an imposter for wearing them, and today I sat down to read a book about boats to be As. Far. Away. from trans stuff as possible, but when reading the descriptions of the male main character I had to stop because it was just too much, I couldn't stop thinking about how much I wanted that for myself.

It's freaking everywhere. I feel like this is unsustainable. Yet help seems so far away, and yet I accept myself only to circle back to square one a week or so later, thinking "this is just a phase, I'm not really trans because x, y, z".

Please help. I am so stuck and I'm suffering.