Lonely as all hell

I wish I had a partner. Like realistically speaking I don’t think I’m ready for it yet. Really I know I’m not. But it still hurts to see practically everyone else around me having somebody or at least enough friends to keep them from struggling so much with the urge. I can’t talk to anybody about my feelings either cause I’ll just get hit with what I ALWAYS do. “You’re too young for a relationship” “Relationships are hard work” “You’re never gonna get married” “You don’t need a boy in your life” “Marriage ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.” Thats just a few things I hear/have heard the instant I do much as mention a boy or dating. Hence why I’ve stopped talking to anybody about it. But still. Suffering in silence is no better. I not only want someone to be intimate with, I want someone to just talk to. Hang out with. Do my favorite things with. Get in petty arguments with just to apologize and forget about it later.

But no. People try to scare me into staying single by telling me horror stories about their relationships, either past or current. Not to mention my own parents didn’t even stay together and had a horrid relationship that ruined the whole family. So unfortunately I don’t have good role models where it matters most either. And with my mental/emotional problems if makes me think, who’d what to put up with me? What if we end up hating each other after like a month and split up? After all none of my platonic relationships have really gone well either. Why would a romantic one be any different? What if people just guilt me for being with someone instead of staying single? What if my dad doesn’t approve? He’s the kind of person to sense one thing wrong about a guy and send him running, preventing me from having any further contact whatsoever. Which I think is one of the main reasons I can’t talk to guys. I’ve never been allowed to even be friends with one. And as long as I’m living with my dad I don’t be able to. Even though I’m 20. Not to mention the only guys I seem to attract are literal creeps, like old men who are pervs or young guys who just want in my pants. Even then it’s just the never ending doubt. The what if’s, never stop.

So I guess I’ll either be stuck being alone for good or I’ll end up in a relationship and unhappy. At least that’s what everyone’s convinced me. Stupid as it seems it’s got me crying in the middle of the night. This is why I feel like it’s better to be cold and distant. Emotions are such a waste of time.