Losing hope with my DA partner

So me (F30) and my bf (M28) have been dating for a few months, although we've known each other for years (we became friends while I was with my ex but we stopped talking for years and only reconnected again last summer) and, honestly, this is the hardest relationship I've ever been in.

I'm a mix of secure/anxious (depending on who I'm dating) and he's textbook DA (also he suffers from depression and anxiety, for extra context). Dating him really triggered a lot of my anxieties and I had to work really hard to heal those wounds (still am!), look at myself and do a lot of shadow work. I feel more secure now than I did months ago and I'm proud of myself for that.

One of the biggest things was voicing my needs to him. I did a lot of research in how to communicate them properly, use "I" statements, nonviolent communication, and taking his attachment into consideration. My primary love language has always been words of affirmation but he struggles a lot with showing affection, vulnerability, etc etc. I told him I understood his struggles with opening up and I was willing to reach a compromise that would make us both comfortable enough, but that I still needed some reassurance from time to time and getting my needs met was important too.

The only one time he has talked about his feelings for me was months ago, he broke down crying cause he thought I was leaving him. That conversation started with him being angry and defensive and basically saying our relationship made him uncomfortable and maybe we weren't meant for each other. He was basically pushing me away (again) and that time I took his offer and said "You know what? If that's what you truly feel and want then sure, lets break up". Then I guess something switched in his brain when he realised I was serious and I was truly gonna leave, then that's when he broke down and spilled all the beans.

That's the thing as well, I know he is a very emotional person deep down, he's cried in front of me more than once while discussing feelings, past moments, etc. But after that, he goes full distant and walls up again and won't let himself be truly vulnerable.

These last few weeks, he's been really shut down and distant. I've talked to him and communicated that I was feeling disconnected from him and my needs weren't being met (in the nicest, gentlest way), that it felt like he had the "power" in this dynamic in terms of vulnerability/openess/emotional availability and that's not a balanced relationship. I also told him that I didn't feel like a priority in his life, that I understood he's focusing on his financial stuff, and that was okay, but I wanted to feel like I'm important in his life as well.

This was the second conversation we've had about needs and all that in the past few weeks and it didn't go very well. He said some harsh things like... Admitting his top priority is his financial situation cause he's attached to it, that he feels this relationship is fragile and vulnerable af, that he feels that I'm trying to change him and it makes him uncomfortable and it's annoying most of the times, that he purposefully keeps me at a distance because he's afraid of a lot of stuff and unsure of in himself, etc etc. To me it felt like he was going full DA defensive/pushing away mode, but I don't know.

Then he ended up saying that he knows I'm right and agrees about getting each other needs met the best we can and that we need to work on this together and everything else I was saying, which was confusing as fuck. And the worst part is that, after saying those harsh things, he just acted like nothing was wrong and came back the next day talking like everything was good while I was still feeling hurt?

But now, once again, he's all shutdown and we've barely talked this week at all... He's also stopped saying "I love you" first, I know it's a super small petty thing and he told me before to not expect him to say it everyday, which I understood/respected. But it's been almost 2 weeks. He'll say it back if I do sometimes, but not always and it's hurting me as well.

I just... I don't know what else to do, honestly. I've always respected his boundaries and honored his needs for space/time when he needed to. I've encouraged him to speak about any other needs he has, am willing to reach compromises, and work together on this. I've mentioned attachment theory in passing and he seems aware he's a DA but... I just feel really disconnected from him at the moment and I don't know what else I can do?