It’s like I have two different personas?

I feel that I have two modes, (deadname) mode and Bianca mode, and it’s harder to feel like Bianca until I put on the clothes and wig and it’s at that point that I see her. I know that it’s possible for me to always be Bianca but its more difficult with a male face and dull male clothes.

Right now I’m wearing my dress and panties and i feel connected to the brief but immensely euphoric moments I’ve been able to live as Bianca, and when I enter deadname mode I feel removed from all of that, like it was another time, another place.

So it’s like I’m two different people, except maybe I prefer Bianca more, and honestly I’m also scared that maybe Bianca mode will lose its magic one day, that I won’t feel bliss when I dress up as her/me? What if this happens before I’m able to transition? Will I not want to transition anymore? If this happens would I even be trans then? Etc