Smoke,
Fill my lungs.
They've been tainted pink and pure.
Never was I told that a balanced meal,
Regular exercise and
'Just saying no' would leave me bored and bland,
Waiting for nothing.
I'll roll the dice on mortality.
I want it.
Give it here.
Smoke,
Fill my lungs.
Vandalize my breathing.
Make me whole.
IG: @tokingbetweenthelines
Posted Apr 20, 2021, 8:21 PM UTC
I like this! I was just writing a similar poem talking about smoking on 4/20. It's such an interesting idea that a drug is so positively normalized. I'm not exactly sure if you're talking about cigarettes though... however i do like the sort of flow that represents the falling to peer pressure.
I'm not a particularly good writer but there's many poems that we'll forget the second after reading them even though they have potential. There's nothing note worthy in the opening lines except the phonetic play between pink n pure/ bored n bland. However what I really enjoyed was the closing lines. The imagery of rolling the dice on mortality and the vandalizing of your breathing are striking metaphors and the short lines create are really impactful and commanding. There's potential of something more although I understand not all verses can be coated in gold
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Decent imagery in this! I feel like the idea of being bored and bland after not smoking could be explicated a bit more— it feels like that’s the crux of the emotive force in this piece, but it’s not lingered on or emphasized quite as much as it could be I don’t think.
Additionally, I’d swap out “tainted” for “stained” or something like that. The “tainted” and “pure” come out right next to each other and for me it makes the subversion of that image feel muddled.
Well done!