CHANGE YOUR FUCKING PASSWORDS

In light of some recent breakthroughs (can we get part 2 already?!), proven theories, and overall amazing DD's you legends have posted; I wanted to bring up a topic that's extremely basic, but often overlooked and taken for granted. Passwords. What about 'em?

Read title.

That's it.

No. Seriously.

Just change your fucking passwords.

All of them.

Go do it.

Now.

What?

Smooth brained ape can't understand?

Alright, I will try my best to help you understand how big of a problem this really is. Yes, I'm talking directly to you, dear reader. But first, I'm going to need you to do something for me. I NEED you to go and read this article. IN ITS ENTIRETY. It's not even long and it's written specifically for apes who spend most of their day trying to figure out which crayon to snort next. MOST IMPORTANTLY it's going to give you beautiful fucks some much needed context. If you're anything like me (and my wife's 3rd boyfriend), understanding simple concepts can be difficult. By adding some context, even the smoothest of brains can understand complex ideas.

Finished reading it? Good. Let me be the first to congratulate you on your first brain wrinkle. Look at you, big ape on the block. I'm so proud of you.

What are you going to do with your newly found wisdom? How about glossing over this next? This is the list of all (mostly) data breaches that have been made public. It's even in a pretty little table for you. I'm going to say something obvious here, so bear with me. The 'Records' column. That's the (estimated) number of apes who have had their data leaked on the internet. Think: Full name, phone number, address, credit cards, email AND/OR password. That's just ONE apes information. Multiply that by the number under the 'Records' column. Multiply that by the number of listed data breaches here. What the fuck, indeed. It's even worse than you think. Do you see that column titled 'Method'? There seems to be quite a few that say 'poor security'. Yes, but that seems pretty vague though, what does that even mean? Well, it could mean a number of things, really. It most likely means that someone was lazy (or forgot) and either left the default credentials enabled on their webapp/server (think: admin/admin | admin/password), or they chose something easy to guess (Summer2021, maga2020!). Are you starting to get the picture now?

No, you're not. But you're close, oh so close.

Remember that first article you read? I know it's been a while, grab another crayon to snort if you must. We can (mostly) rest assured that our passwords aren't stored in plain text anymore and are either encrypted (not great) or hashed. This, in theory, this is great news for us. If someone manages to extract passwords from a website or database they get: 'e38ad214943daad1d64c102faec29de4afe9da3d' instead of 'password1'. Here's where shit starts to get a bit more technical. But it's also dumbed WAY down because a: I'm not an expert and b: I can only understand simple concepts.

Let's login to a website.

Username: Ape

Password: TendieTown

Once you press Enter, this information gets sent to the server and that server will hash that password using one of these hash types. We're going to use SHA-256 here. Also, your shit isn't getting SENT in plain text (probably). As long as you see that little lock next to/in your address bar, you're fine.

Your password gets transformed into this: 8006526681B8656ACB6F676D8CBF7A468F4437283190136932EBE0D31AF43982

The server then checks if this that value matches exactly to the one they have saved in their database for your account. If it isn't, ape no get banana. Ape must try again.

So, if someone did manage to break into the server and steal all of the database info, they still don't know what your password is, yet. This is where password recovery tools come into play. These tools only have one purpose. To turn '8006526681B8656ACB6F676D8CBF7A468F4437283190136932EBE0D31AF43982' into 'TendieTown'. Once that happens you are completely and utterly fucked. Trust me, it WILL happen. It's literally only a matter of time. Do you want to know how much time it would take to recover your password? Go here and check for yourself. Obviously, this is a very rough estimate, but it is a good approximation for the purposes of this post. What's the main takeaway here? L-E-N-G-T-H. Something my wife tells me I know nothing about (but boyfriends 2 and 4 have "in spades". Whatever that means). The longer the password; the harder it is to crack. It's literally (mostly) that simple. The longer you make your password, the harder it is to crack, if at all. Boom. You've cracked the code.

Hol-up, Silverback. We aren't finished yet.

You heard that right. Having a strong password is only half of the battle. Did you know at least 65% of apes reuse passwords across multiple sites. This is Shitadel levels of retarded. DON'T FUCKING DO IT. Just don't. Please. I'm even using the P word here, guys. I know you've heard this before but seriously, listen to me on this one.

"But but but... I modify my password for every site" I hear you say.

No. You. Fucking. Didn't.

TendieTown == TendieTown! == TendieTown42069! == T3nd1eT@wn!

They're all the same fucking thing. I promise you. Once one of these passwords has been leaked and cracked, all of them have. Including any and all variations of them. And now you have to change your password on every single website you've ever created an account on. Do you think you can even remember every single website you've created an account on? Oh, you do? Even that one website that you only visited that one time 13 years ago when you were 'researching' lingerie? Didn't think so.

Remember those password recovery tools I mentioned earlier? The bad apes that use these tools typically don't try to brute-force passwords (a, b, c...aa,ab,ac..aaa,aab,aac and so on until it eventually guesses correctly). This method definitely works, it just take a long fucking time. You see, these apes, they've got a few wrinkles of their own. They Google search things like "rockyou.txt word list". What is this you might ask? It's a readily available list of REAL PASSWORDS that REAL APES HAVE USED that was released onto the internet for everyone to see (and use). This is what's called a 'Dictionary'. This specific dictionary contains OVER 14 MILLION REAL WORLD PASSWORDS. It is, arguably, the most famous dictionary out there and is readily and freely available on the internet to download (cough Github cough). Mind you, this isn't the only one. Oh no. This is literally the tip of the iceberg when it comes to password wordlists. So what do these naughty apes do with these? Simple. Instead of going a, b, c etc until the end of fucking time, they use these wordlists and just test every single entry, or password, in that file. It's infinitely faster, convenient, and worse, it fucking works. Seriously. It works.

Want to know if your password has been hacked/leaked? Go to this neat little website and it will tell you.

"But but but... I didn't find my password on that website or any of those scary lists. I'm safe!"

Wrong again, Bucko.

Remember this: "TendieTown == TendieTown! == TendieTown42069! == T3nd1eT@wn!"? I'm about to explain why. These password recovery tools were made by some very clever apes and they can modify those wordlists on the fly. By changing: a to @, e to 3, t to 7, by adding a number at the end, by adding two numbers at the end, by adding 4 numbers at the end and an ! (last 4 of phone number anyone?). And it will do this process for every. single. one. of those passwords in that dictionary. They can modify a single password up to 100,000 times or more.

"But but but... if it does all of those modifiers to every single one of those passwords in the list...won't that take a long time? I mean were talking billions, if not trillions and trillions of possibilities right?"

You, my beautiful ape, you gorgeous ape, have just earned yourself a banana. You are absolutely correct. But also not at the same time.

"???!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?"

Yes, it can take an incredibly long time to crack a password. But usually it doesn't. These recovery tools are FAST. They utilize the power of your GPU (fast), or CPU (slow), to calculate the hashes. How fast? This fast. You read that right, upwards of 16 thousand MILLION attempts every single. fucking. second (depending on the hash algorithm used). And this is just with a 1060 in a fucking laptop. Here's a great video that explains everything I've talked about thus far and demonstrates it with better hardware (20 minutes that will cause you to clench those cheeks of yours hard enough to give you some diamond underwear). Seriously, watch the video. Even if you skipped every single word in this post. Watch the video.

Let me re-iterate. If anybody here has gotten their password leaked from ANY website. You're fucked.

How do you fix this problem that you have?

You already know what I'm going to say.

A. MOTHER. FUCKING. PASSWORD. MANAGER.

Personally, I use BitWarden because it is open-source, free, cross platform and can create your own private sever (to sync everything between devices. Not required but nice to have). No I'm not a fucking shill for Bitwarden, I just like the app. There's also LastPass, DashLane, KeePassXC. You get the idea. Just google "password manager" and pick one. Some are paid, some are free, some are open source.

Use a UNIQUE RANDOMLY GENERATED (with symbols and numbers) for every single password you have. Most password managers have a password generator to make it easy on you smooth brained fucks.

Here's some examples of passwords that I would consider adequate (obviously don't fucking use these as your password for anything ever, you fucks):

H6%!m&MV3b@&sj#8A&$P2pKE6!%wzn#

D2ej46L4iW@72RS645V2F&$oV^w@@

J@Gcg4**E%i3KG$D!%44K7e@7N#XS6*

$689Y@sUGR&B8iZesG4iz69%J6X$2%a

%RG*@5%%^uXPNTyyu8^N8sLr56Fe3

Aint nobody going to be guessing those anytime soon. Even if a website was breached, guess what? You only have to change one fucking password and you can go about your day like nothing ever happened. However, once a data breach has been made public, you should make it a top priority to change that password. It can, and does, take several months for companies to release information regarding a data breach. That's time that someone has had your password without you knowing about it.

"But but but... how am I supposed to remember those passwords?!"

You're not. That's the whole point. You copy and paste.

WHY AM I MAKING SUCH A BIG FUCKING DEAL OUT OF THIS?

Well, I'll admit this got a little out of hand. I know I probably went into too much detail and went on too many tangents here, but I'm all hopped up on that Mac-n-cheese crayon and tried to explain things in the context that I understand them. However, think about it. Once our rockets have landed and we're at the All-You-Can-Eat buffet of tendies and 'nanas, shit is going to get DIFFICULT. You will become a target. Some of you already are/have been. Don't take this lightly. There are many great DD's out there to help you prepare for the coming aftermath. There are figuratively too many of them for me to list or reference here. I just want to help protect fellow apes. THIS APPLIES TO EVERYONE HERE: Popular posters, mods, memers, lurkers and whomever is next in line to 'help' my wife.

Having strong passwords isn't going to magically protect you from everything. It's only one, very small piece, to the puzzle that is protecting your identity/information on the Internet. You don't want to deposit all of your freshly cooked tendies only to find out your bank account or your PayPal (or anything that's linked to your bank account) has been compromised and is now funding the Prince of Nigeria's next startup.

The whole reason for this post is to try to give you beautiful fuckers one less thing to worry about. Data breaches are becoming more and more common. Protect yourself and those around you.

TLDR : Get a password manager and use a unique and randomly generated password for every account you have on the internet. Also, watch this video.

DISCLAIMER : This is not financial, life, security or medical advice. Things I am not: security expert, English professor, financial advisor, medical professional, hacker or well endowed. I'm just an ape with a brain so smooth it's fucking polished. I've just taken an interest in cybersecurity. If there are actually any cybersecurity professionals here, please correct or debunk anything you see here that isn't correct.

'FUN' INFORMATION : Here are some websites that show current attacks happening IN REAL TIME

• Fortinet Threat Map
• Bitdefender Threat Map
• Threatbutt - (comical)
• Kaspersky Cybermap - Google Earth(ish) format
• Spamhaus Botnet Map

💎💎💎🙌🙌🙌🚀🚀🚀 DIAMOND HANDS FERDA BOIS