Glad to be here

Last year, I did a dietary practice which required me to be celibate for the entire duration of the diet (5 1/2 months). I didn't really have an issue with it- I delete all the pr0n, and just took that activity out of my life for the time being. I had made a commitment to see this diet through. It wasn't only for myself, but i had also made the commitment to my teacher, who trusted me enough to guide me through this practice.

I noticed some things about my sexuality through this whole process. I mean, the diet was done for other reasons, but the practice of celibacy opened my eyes to how I view women and probably really how I show up for them in the world. I'm not a pig or a creep or anything like that, but it really helped me notice how much our society bombards us with sex all the time. I mean it's everywhere. I'd be watching a TV show (read a magzine, see a billboard, etc), see something appealing, then all of a sudden I'd get the urge. I quickly learned to breathe my way through these times, but I began to notice the frequency of it. I also noticed that usually the first thing I notice about a woman are her 'sexy bits'- like boobs, hips, ass, that kind of thing. This really bothers me because in these instances, I am objectifying women. Where did i learn this? Probably form all the pr0n and fapping I've done over the years. This is not how I envisioned myself appreciateing the beauty of women. My Yoga teacher once put it to me this way-

You can gaze upon a flower, and appreciate it's beauty, but it doesn't mean you want to fuck it.

The impact of the fapping and porn over all of these years is really starting to become clear to me. It causes intimacy and commitment issues, low energy, takes up time, and really it's become somewhat of a lacklustre enterprise anyways. It almost seems pointless- it is pointless, really. When I closed the diet earlier this year, I had thought of the idea of continuing with the practice of celibacy, as I could clearly feel the benefits of it. The practice also transformed my ideas about sex and intimacy. Like, I'm really tired of sleeping with women I have no emotional investment in. The physical part is great, don't get me wrong, but there's definetely something missing. Of course, that idea went out the window as soon as I had lived up to my commitment (closed the diet), it was junk food, fapping and meaningless sex. With the porn, these women aren't even real, it's just theoretical.

Anyways, really glad this is here, and that I'm not alone in thinking there is actually an issue with living like this. I've been making alot of changes in my lifestyle lately, and this is one of the things I have considered getting back in check.

Thanks for being here, I look forward to sharing this journey with you all!