RE: Has anyone ever heard of someone turning a "dead bedroom" situation around?

I've seen the question before, I've hesitated to answer because even though I've "turned the situation around", I'm still dealing with what that means.

I, m[34], married a conservative Christian girl, we had sex once every 2 weeks to start, then 1/month then 1/few months then we went about a year without. We've been married 12 years now.

3 years ago I decided my life isn't over yet. I began a emotional affair (that I hoped would turn into a fully physical one) which is still going strong today, we've done no more than kissing and caressing. I'm sorry to say, but the affair saved the marriage... sorry in more ways than one.

Put that on the side burner for now. With renewed encouragement and confidence I confronted my wife, and I stopped eating the crap. Crap like sex is just a bonus or a reward and it is a dirty thing and how selfish and filthy and crude I must be to expect it. She didn't like my new attitude. Through the next year I told her that I need sex at least twice a week or I'm going elsewhere to find it. She didn't like that either. She cried and got angry and told me I was being unfair and rude.

We went to counseling in order to fix my selfishness and my fits of anger. (I have always been the most laid back guy you've ever met until these last few years.) It turns out she was the one being unfair. She (well, we both) realized that she never even looks at me when I talk, therefore she has no idea when I am sad or intense or upset or playful. She doesn't respect my boundaries though she is perfectly comfortable defending hers tooth and nail.Boundaries for Marriage: read it.

After counseling my wife improved. We started having sex more often, and when I say sex, I mean we followed the formula we created on our honeymoon: first I pleasure her, and then I take care of myself missionary style. It has always been (even now) as if the only way she would touch my dick is with her vagina.

Off and on we will do about every other day, (the last couple weeks have been once a week). (I'M NOT COMPLAINING) because of the increased frequency we are able to try some new positions, and she is (Oh God, so slowly) learning to get comfortable with my genitalia. After a year of telling her I want a blowjob, even saying that I'll go elsewhere, I'm still waiting. This is the next step in dealing with her crap.

It makes me crazy when I read about men with women that were abused or are unable to orgasm or have sex related pain. That really sucks, but in my case she has never had any of those problems. I've always assumed maybe she was abused or something like that, but no. It turns out she just never gave a shit about me. In a way I kind of wish there was more underneath, it would validate the years of hell that I've had. It's almost like her sudden turn-around is worse.

All this to say, our dead bedroom has turned around, but I'm bitter. I feel like she has stolen the best years of my life. I don't love her, there are times I hate her. I use her to fulfill my needs. I hate who I've become and I blame it all on my patient, kind, thoughtful attitude and the fact that she took advantage of it.

My affair is with a married woman and neither of us are interested in leaving our spouse/family. She knows all this about my wife and has been extremely supportive and encouraging. Finding her saved my marriage.

I am not sure if I would be happier today if I would have just given up instead.