An Unsendable Letter...

I don't think you realize how much you mean to me.

It's incredible how close we've grown in the past 2.5 months, and I still don't even feel like we know each other at all. I sometimes feel like we're just roommates as opposed good friends. I'm not even sure being best friends with you would be enough for me.

You're straight, I know that. It's not like I haven't dealt with feelings for straight men before, and it's not like I'll never deal with them again. What's more you seem to take every possible opportunity to tell me that your straight, so there's not much confusion there...Much...

And yet, after repeatedly telling me that you're straight, you proceed to moon me 4 inches away from my face, pull off my PJs while I'm sitting on the couch, slap my ass frequently, have tickle fights with me, and randomly lie down with me sometimes without saying a word (all separately of course). And then there's the things that you say, sometimes they're so sexually charged and inappropriate, especially considering you know that I'm gay and you probably know I fancy you. Maybe you think I fancied you in the past, but no more? I don't know.

I'm confused you see, as I'm torn between three possible conclusions about your personality. You're either a complete asshole who enjoys toying with my emotions and watching me squirm. More likely you're as thick as mud and don't realize anything. Or less likely you're a closeted bisexual man. In any case I should be hurt, I should be crushed, I should be infuriated by your actions and words, and believe me, I am.

I can't make myself want you to stop though. I enjoy the tickle fights, I enjoy it when you walk into my room with nothing but your underpants on, I enjoy the ass slapping, the innuendos, the fact that I grabbed your dick when I was drunk at a party and you don't seem to care after the fact. I don't want you to stop. Is that selfish of me? Probably.

I love you, and I'm going to allow it to continue. I know you don't, and probably won't ever, love me except like a brother. I'm going to allow it to continue because I can't bare the thought of you stopping or growing farther apart from me. I'm worried that our friendship is predicated on these interactions, and there won't be anything there afterward. I'm going to let it progress as far as it's ever going to go because I have to know. I have to know if this awkward, and wonderful, and stupid friendship we have going here will ever turn into something...else.

Maybe I'll be the one to make you accept your bisexuality, maybe I'll be the exception to your straight rule (brokeback mountain style) maybe we'll have a one time accidental kiss (You did suggest spin the bottle with only one girl, who I'm pretty sure you're not into and who won't kiss me, leaving only one option: the two of us). But I have to know. I have to know because the pain of longing remembrance of a one time encounter is sure to be less than the pain of an experience never realized, than the pain of constantly wondering what might have been, given the right circumstances. I hate that I've made myself emotionally unavailable to anyone who might actually be interested in me, but such is life, and such is the path that I have decided to follow.

TL:DR Relevant Username is Relevant