What is your worst, “I crapped my pants” story? I’ll go first.

So I was a 14 year old late bloomer going on a manlyspelunking, cave diving, trip with my youth group. It was one of those boys against nature trips. There was probably about a dozen or so boys my age going. I went to school with all of them as it was in a small town. I was really excited about the trip, as I was never in boy scouts and didn’t get to do things like this much as a kid. So my mom drops me off at church early on a Saturday morning and the pastor and the spelunkers all jump into the church van and head out to caves, which is a few hours away. We get to the first cave and it was an experience that I have never had before. It was amazing. We then leave the cave and go to a local burger joint to grab some grub before heading on to the next cave. My stomach has never really agreed with greasy foods all that much, but that day I decided to take a chance. I ordered a double cheeseburger with a side of onion rings and cheese sticks. A fatal mistake this was.

Wave 1.

While on the ride to the next cave the first wave hit like the start of a ticking time bomb. After a few moments of sheer terror the pain subsides. We then arrive in the parking lot and begin the fifteen minute walk to the cave through the woods.

Wave 2.

We reach the cave. It felt like a levee gave way in my small intestine and rush of diarrhea heads to the next lock in a canal. This was much more intense than the previous wave. I push forward and we start exploring the cave.

Wave 3.

I look at the pastor with the fear of death in my eyes and inform him that I had fifteen minutes before I was going to crap myself. He hands me a dirty snot rag that he pulled out of his pocket and I take off. I felt like I was in a James Bond movie holding on to my love making a mad dash for the exit before the cave imploded. I was only holding on to my ass though.

The Final Wave.

I reach the parking lot with the hopes that I will there will be some place for me to release the evil. There was nothing but a stream that runs under the parking lot. T-MINUS 10 SECONDS. I jump down off the top of the retaining wall with a leap of faith. I land, but gravity has now taken over. I just stood there as my pants fill up with my own shit. I couldn’t stop. It felt too relieving. At this time, a bus pulls up. A flood of teenage girls come out and walk right past me as I sit in my own feces. I pulled my fleece over my head and waited for them to pass. I hear their voices in my head to this day. “What is that smell?” “OH GOD!”

The Clean Up.

I waddle down to the river and wash myself up. Thankfully that I had an extra pair of pants in the bus as I assumed I was going to get “dirty” that day. It was a long, quiet ride back to home. That was the day my family likes to refer as, “The day I Splunked my Pants.”