Lot of bad experiences in past, affected my personality alot.

Over the time in life, basically, i've been hurt by a lot of different people.

My dad, who couldn't do anything but yell everyday to me and my mom. Got hit often, never did anything right. School was going fine, and i was the peacefull one, not causing any menace at all. In the end, he told me he regrets my birth, just because i didn't finish with high enough grades. He was the one that always lost control over his anger. Believe me, i never saw such a serious face as when he told me his regret. Later, we moved out, never seen him again since. Even 6 months after, he told my brother he only has one son left (meaning, im not his son anymore). Up until now, 6 years later, he sent me a message that he knows what he did wrong, and wants to meet up. As far as i know, he's all alone, and according to the letter from the work-trustperson(?), he's a wreck. Actually, i wish nothing else than seeing him suffer each day, and i don't plan on ever seeing him again.

Last night i had a dream i wen't on a roadtrip with him. I've never felt so horrible, so filled with hate. Suggesting it almost killed me is overexerted, but you know where im heading.

Girls, where it started with a group which were joking they liked me. Ofcourse i knew this wasn't true, because it was so obvious. Still, it hit me. Some girls really liked me, but i questioned it a lot, and started being the one rejecting, as i didn't see the clear difference between genuine, and fake, for being protective of myself. Started at 12. Now i'm 20, but i'm still very passive when it comes to women. Somewhere deep in me, i'd like to have a SO, but i don't feel like it's one of my needs. I didn't have any relationship, nor any intimate contact, and most of the time i don't feel for any. There was one girl that got through my barrier, and we got along like soulmates. But after we stopped seeing each other (wasn't meant to be anyway), i slowly fell back into my own pattern. I'll admit, im waiting for a similar girl to show up in my life. But mostly i end up thinking, i would be wasting her lifetime, because i'm afraid i would end up being like the dick that my father was. The hate when i see myself in the mirror, and see the resemblance in appearance, and the anger thats cropped inside my against him... paradoxically.

Overall i'm also self-critic which sees everything realisticly, analyses in the most possible ways, and step outside my body to notice my mistakes i make. Feel mainly bad about myself, and crop all my emotions deep inside me. People around me notice im very self-protective, and smiling would crack my face. Rather i do everything alone in stead of in a team, which is noticed since kindergarten. Probably because i was raised until 4 without any kids to play with, i didn't develop social skills at the time. But also because i can't trust people on a certain level. Ofcourse i can interact with them, and even be friends. But in the end i keep my heart closed, making me not giving a damn if i don't ever see them again. Ofcourse there were some girls i really liked, and some other people. That went quite good, but those are exceptions which i find very rare over the past years. Recently, when it comes to emotions i feel dead, and it's mainly locked up anger that sometimes leaks. When i somehow fall in love, i also somehow manage to supress and vanish it, gradually by understanding what i feel, and why, and crossing the "items" one by one.

I spoke with my mentor about how i feel, because we clashed sometimes, and i figured it would be better for both of us if i just told her in trust what's the deal. Well, she pretty much noticed everything, so that's clear. She suggested to see a psychiatrist, but i don't feel like to visit one. 3 years of group sessions didn't change anything, and personal sessions, well, i could have guessed before i stepped into the room what he would tell me. Basically i'm helping and raising myself now, being good at it, and at the same time, sucking at it.

Recently i had an occasion, where i crashed hard. All i could care about was the material damage, rather than my own safety, while it was happening, and after it happened. If there's anything i could care less about, it's myself. I give a damn about every single thing, yet i don't care about anything.

TL;DR Bad experience with, childhood with parent, relationships (friendship/love), people overall. Very negative, and emotionally numb.

Well, hope it sums it up, as i don't want the post to be too long. Maybe i'll edit it tomorrow. Anyway, if something is unclear, ask me. But i feel i could have missed out on crucial info that could change the whole perspective on my post. Somehow, i feel fine, but i also admit i can't live much longer like this. The way i feel now, feels very comfortable, yet totally not. I'm very indecisive, and have alot of lock-ups in my head, where i can't continue to think clearly. Black-outs.