What's the strangest ritual you have with your pet?

I don't have a dog, but my roommate does. He's a malti-poo (half maltese, half poodle) and the ugliest thing you've ever seen. All those things you want dogs to be good at? He's terrible at them.

Anyway, anytime Duke (shit name) goes outside to poop, he maintains eye contact with me the entire time he's pooping. Staring. He does this with everyone, because he's a freak.

Anyway, after about a month, I started talking to Duke while he's pooping, looking him directly in the eye and telling him he should be ashamed for what he's doing - that no good dog would ever do something like that. I try to sound really disappointed.

And once he's done being poop-shamed, we march back into the house and play Mario and watch Community and eat pineapples.