I feel like I am losing my battle to stay alive and get well. I am scared

Hello r/suicidewatch. I am a 31/M from Sydney, Australia. I have Complex Childhood Trauma resulting from a bad childhood filled with neglect and constant control and some sexual abuse. This was misdiagnosed as many other things for many years, and I have been in therapy more or less since I was 16. Around 5 years ago I also developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome after a particularly stressful period and tapering off my medication. I have tried everything I can for both (related) conditions: aforementioned therapies in multiple modalities as well as meds for the psychiatric stuff and everything under the sun for the CFS. Nothing has helped and together they have crippled my life completely. I have extreme anxiety all day, intrusive violent images inspired by the most mundane of things (like seeing my shrink touch their face and then imagining all the skin peeling off their face and not being able tot get rid of that image), chronic terror of what others might be thinking of me, an irrational childhood linked presumption that I am always being monitored and judged negatively even in my own room. The CFS stuff is also incredibly disabling, everything has immediate or medium term consequences which must be micro-managed all the time and I am too tired to have much of a life in any regard (am a virgin for example). Fortunately I am a disability pensioner so I don't have to work

I was always an optimistic person despite it all and had an unshakable belief that I would one day get better. However, the past couple of years it has become progressively more difficult to convince myself that anything will change. I completed a degree part time a few years back and thought that when that finished and the stress from it lifted I would get better, but nothing changed. Recently it has dawned on me that I might never get well and my quality of life is so poor that I have only stuck round for the last decade because I thought I would get better and be happy one day. I now feel the weight of all the years of pain and I have little defense against the depression

I am still trying really hard and still have a slither of hope but each week I think more and more about suicide and today I realised that it is a genuine option for me, something I could actually do and then there would be no more questions and no more worrying. just an end to all and (being an atheist) I would no longer exist. I feel like throwing up when I really contemplate that. It all feels like it is sliding away from me