A long rant about my current screwed up life.

Yo,

Just made this throwaway cause I wanted to just clear my head. I've always enjoyed writing, it's usually short stories and such though. This will probably be one of the first times I'm writing about myself though. Sort of like a mini biography. So, let's just start at the beginning.

I was born in Sweden in 1991. I lived in a small town out in the woods. For the first couple of years my life was pretty nice as I recall. I had 3 older brothers that I got along with even if I was a afterthought child (it's 10 years between me and my closest brother).

My parents also took in foster children. Most of them was pretty alright. 1 was there the whole time from when I was born until I was 9. And another one was there from when I was 6-9. We hung out daily but we never really got along. Mostly probably cause my parents favorited me over them. I didn't really notice it until after they where gone though. It wasn't really much but it was in the little things. I got a little better presents and when we faught they might have gotten yelled at more than me. But yeah...

Anyway, because of this they both ran away when I was 9. They where 13-14. They took the buss to one of their moms and pulled a knife on her and things got pretty out of hand there a while. It sounds much worse than it was though, social services was called and they got placed at different homes.

I was pretty devastated. I remember telling my parents for years that I missed Mattias (the closest one that I had known from birth). We went to visit him a few months after their runaway. He'd gotten placed in a christian home. Now this is Sweden, I'd never really experienced religion until then. I didn't really notice it at first but when it was time for dinner the wife told Mattias to say grace. That really scared the crap out of me. He'd never been good at memorizing stuff, let alone doing as he was told. But he really sat there like a zombie saying grace. I was only about 9 then, but damn... I can even imagine how much work they had to do to force him to do that... And another thing that scared me even more at the time was that they didn't have a tv. Since that visit about 12 years ago I've only seen him once at a party a few years ago. He seemed pretty ok, a little bit on the alcoholic side but ok.

Ok, now my parents where really cold about the two moving out. Never mentioned it and never talked about it. About the same time they started fighting really heavy. I spent many times where I locked myself into a room and turned the speakers on the tv or computer up to high just so I couldn't hear them. Most of the time it didn't really help though.

At 13 I got to a new school and got some new friends. But we where mostly part of a friend-gang from my local little town. My best friend was called Andreas and we had known each other since we where 4. We always choose the same class etc. Anyway, at 14 me and my friends started drinking. From then until 16 we where out most weekends and drank everything from beer to moonshine. It's sad to say, but so far this really was the happiest years of my life. I got to ditch my parents while they where fighting at home and party with my friends.

At 15 something really bad happened. Andreas got diagnosed with cancer. He had 3 tumors in his brain and it was scary. I choose to ignore it, we didn't really talk about it cause it seemed to me like he didn't want to. While many of our friends changed their personality around him I tried to stay the same. I'd like to think he liked that.

He started doing chemo and lost his hair. But he never once complained to anyone about it. It must have been scary as hell. As the coming years went by he got worse and worse. At 16 he had to be put in a wheelchair. And later the same year he died.

That was the first death of anyone I knew. I know this might seem odd, but I hadn't really contemplated mortality until this point in my life. And to be honest it scared the living hell out of me.

Let me roll back a little. Andreas was one year behind me cause he had to redo a year earlier. So at 16 I was off to a new school and had to move there as it was to far to commute. That year we didn't really had much contact and that really made me feel like an asshole. With my new friends I went to new parties. My problem with alcohol got pretty bad, it wasn't just "drink to have fun" anymore. Now it was more like "drink to pass out and forget everything". I could drink 1 Liter of Vodka in one evening. In retrospect, it's pretty amazing that I didn't really hurt myself more than got in a fight or two during that year.

Andreas died during the semester after my first year there. After that much of my world collapsed. Not only for this but for other reasons also I switched school. I just wanted to get away from it all. So the school I rolled into was a working school - test program. Meaning I worked a 7-16 job and spend each third week in the school. My workplace was in the middle of nowhere in a very hightech industry. I got a really good mentor who taught me many valuable things.

During my education there I pretty much cut myself of from everyone I had ever known. But also, I didn't really get to know many new people. I just isolated myself in my own little bubble. The only one I kept in contact with was one of my biological brothers whom I called pretty much every single day. I have no idea how he put up with me but I don't think I would have made it without him there.

So I spent 2 years there and then when that was over I asked for a job there. But because of bad business and that I wasn't yet good enough to be having a CNC mill of my own they didn't hire me. So I moved back in with my parents. That was in June last year. When I moved home it really felt great at the time. I was really over worked and had to work like a maniac the last semester to pull of all exams and stuff.

Since then I've taken a drivers licence, helped my 2 other brothers renovate their houses, and applied for about 100-200 jobs. I still haven't gotten anywhere on the job front. My free time I mostly spend in front of the computer. I tried to set up a mma website with a guy I met here at reddit but he has many things to do irl and haven't really got the time atm. The coding is almost done now tough (that was his job), it's just a few kinks that has to be worked out.

Now I've applied for Uni for the upcoming spring a long way from home. If I get in I'm gonna move out pretty soon and I'm a nervous wreck about it. If I get in I'm going to be studying Literature which isn't really what I'm nervous about, it's meeting people that scares me. I don't know why and I can't really explain it too good. But I figure it might have something to do with the fact that I've only had proper conversations with about 15 people during the last 3 years of my life. I'm also afraid that I might be labeled as some kind of weirdo as I don't drink. Except for very few special occasions where I've taken a beer or two I've been sober since that summer in -08.

So uhm, yeah... That's it I guess... I don't really know why I wrote this here. Ahhh, fuck it. Well, if you read it all, thanks. When I read through this myself just now and think back my story is pretty pale compared to some of the other stuff on here. Sorry about that.

If you've read this far you have my sincere thanks. I'm impressed.