depressed or a teenager? help

hi i'm a 17 yr old girl and have struggled with mental health before - when i was like 10 to 11 i had a two-year depressive episode and constant suicidal thoughts bc of a recurring traumatic event and a lot of self hatred (i didn't know what it was because i was young so never got any help)

it sort of went away for a while but last year i started getting random short depressive episodes. i don't really feel like committing suicide anymore but i just constantly feel like it'd be better to not be alive (i'm sure u know what i mean) but i could never actually commit - i can never talk to anyone about it bc it makes them uncomfortable :\

i became super self aware of my abandonment and trust issues, my back hurts constantly, i lay in bed a lot, sleep schedule is f*cked, eating is f*cked, feel alone but i push anyone away, i've always been super insecure physically (i'm a minority where i live and adopted so my parents are a different race), chronic headaches, irritability, extremely stressed and have a deadly fear of failure. i'm a high-achieving student in school (i didn't show up to my classes for two straight weeks a month ago but still avidly do homework and maintain grades) and enjoying none of my extracurriculars while acting happy isn't fun lol. but i do genuinely smile and i'm happy sometimes so i don't know if i'm "depressed" enough to be "depressed" or just teenage mood swings... i also went thru a break up recently but this was all happening before too. i just don't want to seem like i'm doing this for attention

i don't know whether there's actually something wrong with me because i can't afford therapy right now since my father is having trouble finding work. please offer input if you can :(