I wish I was stronger. I at least owe that to my mother.

But I'm not. I can't sit and watch her suffer in a hospital bed. It's selfish and terrible, but I can't. At the very least she's not alone. My father hasn't left her side in two days. Never in a million years did I ever think I would say anything along these lines, but I admire him. He's been an emotionally/verbally abusive alcoholic my entire life. Most days I would say I hate him, and I genuinely believe the words coming out of my mouth. Not today. He hasn't had a drop since she stepped foot in the ER. I can't say the same for myself.

For as long as I live, I will never forget the look of bewildered fear on my mother's face as they were admitting her. She didn't even know her own name much less mine. It's not much better now. I can't table more than ten minutes of her incoherent babbling without bursting into tears and having to leave the room. She would be strong for me. They would have to force her out of the hospital room to go eat once in a while if it where me laying in the bed. I can't do it and I am so, so sorry.

The icing on the cake though, is that she's had diabetes for two years and hasn't told a soul. I knew she was sick. She has crippling rheumatoid arthritis and kidney problems for a good chunk of my life, but with this, no one had a single clue. Apparently it was manageable with pills instead of insulin, at least before this. They just blended in along with all the other pill bottles and no one was none the wiser.

I just don't understand why. I suppose she thought it would be a burden to her family. I know she's always felt like a burden because of her health. I've probably done a thousand things to perpetuate this belief without even realizing it. I didn't mean to. My mother is the toughest, most loving person I know. She deserves better than this. She deserves better than a family whom made her feel like she has to hide a serious illness from.

I'm so full of guilt, but I'm just not strong enough for this. So I'll hide at home dodging phones calls from family and trying to convince myself that everything will be okay, instead of facing this head on.

I love you mom, and I am so, so, so fucking sorry.