Source
r/scifiwriting•
ReikMaster

Short Story: Action over Siaphur (3203 Words)

CRITIQUE

Since I began writing short stories around the new year, I wanted to try writing something sci-fi. Hence I wrote Action over Siaphur, which I would think falls under soft sci-fi, coming in at 3203 words.

Synopsis: A ship is adrift over the planet Siaphur, waiting for the best moment to flee the nearby battle. The ship takes some damage while fleeing, forcing the protagonist to improvise in order to escape.

If you've read the short story, feel free to provide your criticisms. General feedback is appreciated, but if you could address these specific questions:

  1. Pacing: How did you find the pacing? Was it too fast, or were you bored at some point?
  2. Prose: Were the sentences easily understandable, or where you having to reread them? Were there any adjectives or descriptions you felt were unnecessary, or was there something you would like to have seen more of?

If there are any grammar mistakes or errors in tense, please point them out. Feel free to critique other elements of the story if you have any criticisms.

Also I'm not a fan of the current title "Action over Siaphur", so if you've got any other suggestions for a title, or feel the current title is alright, please say so.

Link: Action over Siaphur (Google doc)

Posted May 7, 2021, 4:53 PM UTC

15
AutonomousOrganism•

reading another volley -> readying

they're mass -> their

Any specific reason for the attackers to only use torpedoes?

2
ReikMasterOP•

Thanks for reading, I'll make sure to take note of those corrections. I believe a few sentences prior one of the characters states that they're out of railgun range.

1
reniairtanitram•

In the first twenty or so paragraphs, you have a sentence missing a period and another with an unnecessary space in front of the period. I'll have to read the story again to give you more feedback, but I can't say I was hooked from the beginning. Something is missing...

I think you should start with an establishing shot and then zoom in.

2
ReikMasterOP•

Thank you for reading and for the feedback.

I'm still trying to find a balance for my story beginnings (and endings for that matter). In a previous short story I wrote, multiple people commented on how my first paragraph was essentially useless, so I decided to try some in media res. But I guess in doing so, I seemed to have sacrificed any potential hook I had at the beginning.

1
reniairtanitram•

You can start with call me Ishmael but once upon a time or the clock strikes thirteen beginnings are more traditional. You can search the web for lists of opening lines to get ideas.

1