Another improvised poem with no name yet in spanish (native tongue)
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Posted May 30, 2021, 3:04 AM UTC · edited
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El final "Que alguien me diga" no sé, pero no me gusta mucho. No te podría decir qué poner, ya que el escritor eres tu. Pero mejorarlo puedes.
El poema en sí, a mi me pone en un escenario muy conocido. Una noche melancólica, de meditaciones y arrepentimientos, de rabias y agotamientos. Viendo las estrellas porque el techo es aburrido, hablando con uno mismo porque el silencio deprime después de mucho tiempo. Borracho, drogado porque estar limpio es igual de deprimente, y porque la locura oprime.
Así lo sentí yo. No sé si lindo me pareció, pero muy cercano a casa sí.
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No quiero que parezca bonito. Busco que transmita un sentimiento genuino. Y que se entiendan las metáforas/simbología, me parece que se entienden muy bien.
Con respecto a el final, me parece mejor borrar la última estrofa, terminar en la parte que dice "amor...". A veces menos es mejor. ¿Te parecería mejor así?
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No sé man, como dije, no debería ser yo el que te diga como escribas tus poemas. A mi no me gusto mucho el final, pero si a ti sí, dejalo así. O si lo quieres cambiar, hazlo como te fluya.
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Es que el final tampoco me gustaba mucho. Mejor decido dejarlo hasta "amor...".
Entonces, te pareció cercano, pero lo consideras bueno? Mediocre? Malo? "Decente"?
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Me gustó, sí. Toca la puerta de casa con metaforas creativas para regalar. Está bueno para mí.
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Latin based languages are some of the best for poetry because of the vowels. I speak a little Italian and experimented with writing poems in it, but yours is really pretty. Even when translated into English it sounds just as beautiful as it is in Spanish
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Love this poem and truly appreciate the Spanish. It being my second language reading it was fun trying to see where the story went and this line "Bebida, para hipnotizarme y no sentir" was damn good. I like the idea cosmic it gave off and if this is just a draft I'd love to see how much better you make it 💪🏼
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Me encanta, sobre todo como comunicas ese sentido de deseperacion y ennui. Excelente metafora: mercado de estrellas con drogas...genial. La unica sugerencia es deja de explicar y ensena nos--con una sola metafora me hiciste ver/sentir el placer, misterio, chaos, hermosura, y viaje que nos prometa el estado de intoxicacion. haz lo tambien con frases como: "que vale la pena mentir / nadie disfruta del dolor, / absolutamente nadie. / " ... "?de que vale la pena estar limpio y sereno? / "
Me encantaria ver la proxima version tomar inspiracion del surrealismo (quizas un toque de Pizarnik). Yo que se. No soy nadie para dar consejos. Pero me encanto esta version. Continua, por favor! Y si te gustaria ver los poemas cursis que subo a youtube, las deje (en ingles y espanol) en el post que hize el otro dia.
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Are you the same dude that takes his time to translate my posts and give elaborate critique? I don't pay much attention to usernames. If that's you. Man, thanks a lot, I really appreciate your input.
I feel like I owe you something. I owe you feedback. Hit me up for anything.
And indeed, clean refers to drugs. Same as hemlock nectar being a sarcastic metaphor for drugs.I was also considering cutting down "Who am I, I wonder? Nothing, I don't know". I wrote it down to justify the following verses, buying a dream. But it would still make sense without that "Who am I" part.
Far too kind. Genuinely grateful. I'm relatively new to this sub and it just makes me feel more confident in what I write day by day, And I get to enjoy other talented people's poetry. And even write them up in their threads and ask questions like "what does X metaphor means to you?". I thought there was going to be a language barrier, but it's actually very minimal, mild at most.
Again, I'm grateful to you, very genuinely.
I'd like to point out, the google translate translaton always have some mistakes. Usually minor, nothing big.
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Thanks. I will. It isn't that I'm giving half assed feedback just to be able to post. It's being drunk, plus english not being my native tongue. Mainly being drunk.
If you got any OC yourself and you want honest feedback, just snap your fingers at me haha.