Can’t go on

I’ve (19M) been trying to get better but every time I feel like I’m making progress I just sink back down into my dark place and just shut down.

Tonight I had a dinner with my partner, her father and some friends. I told her before how I was feeling. I was on the verge of tears the whole time and my gf could tell I was shutting down. Later when it was just her and I she got mad at me for not knowing why I was spiraling again after I had told her I was feeling depressed again. It’s instances like that that make me want to fade away and bottle up my feelings Bc when I share them people still get mad.

I feel like a failure because I’m too scared to go through with any sort of attempt but I don’t want to be here anymore