So how do I get a job without admitting criminal history?

I have a slight criminal history, possession of stolen goods and attempted DUI (both plead down). These are from 5-6 years ago without so much as a ticket since, I completed all my court nonsense without a hiccup. In short, I've been a good boy. Yet everytime i've been honest about my background on applications, I get screwed. So I've decided the nice guy shit is out and imma be the lying asshole I was meant to be. My question is how do I go about this successfully? All I want is a job, hopefully without flipping burgers. I know, economy sucks, I should be so lucky, etc., but having a record in this economy makes you pariah and I want to even my odds.

Any ideas?

EDIT; I should have put this earlier, but this was in Arizona, and they don't expunge there.