I just want the freedom to live without fearing that it would making everyone else's lives hell

I am from a possibly-not-too-oppressive Islamic country but I have been a student in the UK for almost 6 years now. While back home, I have never interacted that much with anyone from a different race or religion than mine (I was in a an all-girls Islamic school), though I have always been curious about them. There was a time when I asked my Physics teacher – Christian, Chinese and one of my favourite teachers of all time - about pigs: how they look like, how big they are, do they taste nice, etc. He finds it adorable how I've always thought that pigs are tiny pink creatures with short curly tails (that's how they draw it in cartoons!). He was a kind person and I remember thinking why he's so nice and yet not a Muslim. I think I asked him that question actually 'cos I remember him laughing when he saw the confusion and concern in my eyes. It's because I understand a bit what the common Muslim prayer means (some Muslims don't because it's in Arabic). It's always about asking Allah for protection against the non-Muslims. In fact, at least in the Holy City of Mecca, they go as far as praying for their annihilation.

Thus, it comes to no surprise when I first came here and was scared shit of how the non-Muslims would treat me. I seriously thought that I would be bullied and ridiculed every second at school because of my religion, if not my race. But the experience was the complete opposite of that. Everyone couldn't care less about it. At first I thought they chose not to see the veil I'm wearing but they were constantly asking me about Islam and any other traditions I may do that's different from their own. They understand that I'm 'weird' (even said it to my face) but never did a thing to make me 'normal' and this was new to me. I grew up thinking that you have to think a certain way and act a certain way to be accepted. Yet the people in my school couldn't care less what I wear or where I come from – I'm a good person and that is all that matters to them. At the 'end of school service', I wore a veil to church and was worried that the church-goers would think I'm mocking their religion or being rude 'cos I have my head covered. But instead, everyone smiled at me and was very accommodating. I had a couple of people coming up to me to ask where I come from because I was wearing a traditional attire at the time.

One thing that always amuses me about the classes in my school is the genuine curiosity of the students and the willingness of the teachers to answer, and in complete honesty. In biology, sometimes the topic of moral and God comes up and it amazes me how people just puts their hand up and say or ask things that would put them in deep trouble if we were in my country. I know because I made the mistake of doing it once. I feel very fortunate to be here, to ask questions and for once, think. And man, did I think. The journey was a wild one as I went from being a devout Muslim to being an anti-Muslim but pro-other religion to being agnostic to almost being atheist but realised that I always have been a humanist. I just want people to be good to one another and to other beings regardless of their own personal beliefs.

I love what I have become but recently one thing has been bugging me: the reality that I have to go back home because my staying in the UK is sponsored by my country. Needless to say, I don't want to go back. I've shed too many tears everytime I think of the future; that I have to leave this country that I've come to love. The country that I felt knows who I am when even I don't and yet still accepts me. It was from living here that I realise I love dogs and I don't think it's necessary to be married to live together and have a family with the one you love. But I can never do these things if I go back home. People back home see no problems with poisoning dogs. I've seen people poisoning their neighbour's dogs because they are 'dirty' and are not the least bit sorry about it. I never want to be married with a religious person. I'm sorry if this sounds very hypocritical of me but I grew up seeing Muslims taking their wives for granted and truth to be told, I'm scared of them. Mostly because they don't see what their doing as wrong. It's normal because it's allowed. The Quran says so. Muhammad did that. I'm not saying that all Muslims are bad. I have friends who are nicer but I doubt they would want someone like me as their wife.

So what I'm trying to say is, right now, I can't see a good future for me back home. I wouldn't call it as far as oppression but I do not feel free to be who I am if I go back. I tried looking for other ways. I thought of trying to look for a job here and ask my sponsors if I can somehow pay back all the money they invested in me (though it may not be possible) but I'm scared. I'm scared that I would be forced to go back and put in jail. More than that, I fear the effects it would have on my family's name. I could care less what people think of me but I love my parents to bits and I don't know if I can live knowing I've made their lives a living hell. And for what? So I can keep dogs and have a live-in boyfriend? I don't have the confidence that I can live in the UK without anyone to support me but myself either, especially if I'm going to be in heckloads of debt. The whole world is in recession and finding a job would be difficult. New UK immigration laws doesn't help my situation either. My boyfriend has been very supportive of me but I know he's only trying to sugar-coat everything as best as he can 'cos he doesn't like seeing me so sad. I'm at a loss really. I feel so not in control of my own life and I have no one to blame. I wish there is something I can do but there isn't. Yet at the same time I don't want to give up. This is killing me.