What the fuck is wrong with me? (ADD? Depression? Social Anxiety? A Combination of them?)

Feel free to refer me to a better subreddit if there is one.

Some simple background info that might have answers:

• I'm an 18 year old high school senior.
• I was born into a family with an alcoholic father.
• My parents divorced while I was 6.
• My father died when I was in 5th grade.
• I've always been more of a follower opposed to a leader, which I dislike about myself.
• Played a lot of video games throughout middle school and high school.
• Just started seeing a psycho therapist in hopes of solving my problems but it was only one 45 minute session so it was more getting to know me.
• I took adderall XR for a few months but quit because I disliked all of the bad side effects.

My symptoms Specific help and advice if anyone has any please! Whether it be medication or mental cures.

• I feel as though my social skills are very weak.
• Social anxiety.
• ADD? (makes it very hard to follow conversations. Overwhelmed by multiple conversations at the same time)
• I have a horrible memory, making it hard to find anything to talk to people about because I don’t remember many of the exciting events that happened in my life.
• I have trouble focusing in conversations.
• I feel as though I lack personality and interest in things in comparison to others.
• I look at others and see them as being happier than I am.
• I get nervous in situations with a lot of people, but I also get depressed when I’m home alone. Which is often.
• Lack of direction in life/college preparation. Depression causes lack of interest which causes me to be more nervous about college and the rest of my life in general.
• I worry that my lack of social skills could potentially ruin my career opportunities, causing me to be a failure in life.
• Sometimes wonder what my life would be like if I had chosen a completely different path in life or if I was born to a different family, but that is impossible.
• Feeling more and more distant from my best friends.
• Feel unintelligent and boring in comparison to my friends.
• I think this has been going on for a long long time but wasn’t evident until now because social skills are more important now.
• Can't talk for a long period of time or explain things due to loss of focus, nervousness, and poor memory.
• Afraid of meeting any new people and going on dates before I solve my self esteem issues.

Some things I found online that remind me of myself:

Comment 1

One thing that bothers me is when people call me "quiet". I could be in a social setting and someone would go "Why are you so quiet?" as if by magic I'll snap out of it and suddenly become talkative.

It bothers me that when I'm in a group setting and everyone is talking and being part of the conversation, I just sit there and listen. It's as if there's nothing for me to say, nothing to share with them. My mind goes blank.

I have no memories of wild parties, nights out, getting drunk, holidays etc because of my social anxiety. There's a big gap in my life where nothing happened, there's nothing for me to tell these people. Nothing to share. I get so frustrated by that, they're pressuring me to share things that aren't there. And in turn, I just come off as boring. I just can't win, nomatter what I do.

Anyone else feel that?

Comment 2

It's frustrating, isn't it?

It seems like people are scared of breaks in conversation, they cant sit there in silence for more than 2 minutes without starting small talk. But I can't do it, I can't think of anything to say. Sometimes I've found myself making things up just to get a few sentences in so that I don't come across as mute. And I hate myself for doing that.

I get angry when some smart-arse tells me I’m being too quiet. They don't realize how hard I'm digging in my head trying to find something, anything, to say to them. There's just nothing there for me.

• I cannot focus on longer/ more complicated movies (which I would love to) for the life of me.

Would a different type of ADD medication be better than adderall XR? Would anti depressants help? Or do you think it's simply a mental game and I need to find out what my interests are and I'm just wasting my life with this?

Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to be as specific as possible so you whoever might be listening understands me a little. Any advice (please try to be specific) is so greatly appreciated.