What my life has turned into. I don't know what to do anymore. [LONG]

FIRST OFF - If you read all of this, know that i am praying for you, sending my love to you, caring for you, beeing here for you. I dont judge by looks or what's on the outside, Im a friend to anyone who needs one. PM me, comment this, Im here for you either way. I felt like i had to get this out there, just to have said it.

I can start of by telling a little bit about me; I'm 18. I think I am suffering from Socially Anxiety Disorder. I'm underweigth(even though i eat like a rhino). I have acne. I live in a little town where i don't fit in(everybody else is rednecks who only enjoy "fixing" their 100$ trucks). It's not easy to get away from here, I can't afford my own place, there's only busses going every 2nd hour until 5, then it stops. So I'm having a hard time "escaping" from here.

I always had lots of friends growing up,(with a chance of sounding like a douche, Im not) I was "the" popular kid at school. All the girls liked me, all the other guys wanted to hang out with me. I was still very young, and I wasn't ready to start chasing girls. So I didn't bother to pay attention to them. After a while it slowly descended, amount of friends, amount of girls chasing me, amount of popularity.

The next years until 10th grade (15-16years old) I was very casual with the girls in my class, we joked, we had fun etc. I never made a move on any girls, I had this "thing" that kept me back. I thougth I was incapable of having sex like a normal person, I thougth I had (I don't know what you call it in UK/USA) tight foreskin(?). So I didnt want to have sex.(because i was afraid of beeing laughed at) Though i had the chance of loosing my virginity, I walked a "drunk" girl home.(She wasn't drunk, she pretended) And she asked me straight forward; "Do you want me to take your virginity?" This all happened while she was nude, and she tried to take my pants of, but i removed her hand. I felt i couldn't risk becoming more of an outcast by being "deformed". After that episode, I really stopped chasing girls, it was stuck in my head, "I am deformed, and I'm worthless." That was the turning point for me.

My best friend also moved away, so that didn't make it any better for me. I started playing games more often, and I was good, better then any of my friends. As one would assume, they weren't pleased, and started what they called "friendly jokes", it acutally hurt me, but i didn't say anything. I didn't play any more then they did. I was just better, and they couldn't handle it. So i was therefore refered to the "nerd". They knew they played more then me, but kept teasing me for beeing a "nolifer".

My "friends" stopped calling me to go out, didn't contact me, not even a facebook chat or message. I tried calling them, texting them, chatting with them. They didn't respond. Except when they needed help, of course, then they would contact me. And since i was a fool,(still am) i helped them(still do). And after I've solved their problems, they ignore me again.

I hadn't tasted alcohol before my first year of High School. So the last part of 10th grade, iI started becoming an outcast. Since I didn't drink, smoke or party.

(where I live is a little place, far away from big towns or malls and stuff like that.)

When I started at High School, I had to take the bus from my hometown. (The 1-10th grade school was in the "town") And the schooldays were longer. I was no longer capeable of planing things with my current friends. I was home over an hour after everybody else, I had lots of homework and studying to do.

So, I started at the direction in highschool of becoming an electrician of sorts. I was sorted in to classes, and I was so lucky that I came in the same class as my best friend (the one who moved away). And I was so happy, but after some time I realised I didn't enjoy what I was studying. So I changed directions, to become a carpenter.

When I got into the new class, there weren't many people there, maybe 10 in total. I reasonably fast made good friends with two guys, we didn't have much in common, but we just connected. Both of them drank alcohol, and I didnt. It wasn't that i was afraid to drink, but I didnt want to get caugth by my parents. They promised me a car and my license if I didnt drink until i was 18.

I started avoiding my old friends, trying to get over them. And tried to hang out with my new friends any time i could. 3-4times a month maybe (outside school, i spent alot of time playing with them on XboxLive)

Until recently, I went to a party where I live, and who shows up but my old friends. (Before i went to the party, I deleted ALL my old friends from facebook etc. Didn't know they were coming) I was very friendly towards them, and as the nigth continued, they became friendly to me. I walked my old best friend home, he was extremely drunk. He started talking while I carried him. "I miss us, hanging out, playing games. What happened to us?" Me: "You tell me". I didnt want to sound patethic so I just pretended I didnt know what was going on. The whole time we walked home, he kept on talking about how much he missed us beeing best friends.

It really made me emotional, so when I got home, the next day, i added EVERYBODY i had deleted the day before. I thougth it was going to change, I was so desperate and at the same time happy. I thougth we were back to before. But no, not even a sligtht thankyou for carriying him 3 MILES(5000 meters)

I have tried making friends, but when Im in public, I act wierd. It feels like everyone is looking at me, judging the way I look or move. When I walk past someone random, I start to consider how I am walking, and I feel like I have to do every move manually (Left arm - right leg etc etc) I constantly think about how I look. When I am with other friends(from school, now studying general studies) I dont feel AS wierd as I use to. Since I am walking with other people, I feel people migth not judge me, since apparently I have good friends.

I dont hang with friends on my sparetime, after school. Since noone of them lives where I live. It's still hard for me to get out of this place.

So this is what my life has turned into. I used to have it all, now I have nothing. I dont know how to put an end to this post, so ill just end it by asking for anything. Please, share any thougths you have. If you need a friend, I am here for you.

To all of you who took the time to read this, I, from the bottom of my heart, love you guys.

(I'm sorry if my English isn't top notch, Im not from an Englishspeaking country.)