Bathroom no longer exists, my pipes are in a state of quantum flux. Where do I go to find a plumber for this?

Ok, this week I was in my garage as usual mixing together vials of red and blue liquids while cackling, you know, normal stuff. Then out of nowhere an explosion rocked my house (It knocked a bottle of Crani-324 into the cloning chamber, but that's a tale for another story).

Anyway, I ran upstairs and wouldn't you know it, an interdenominational portal had opened in my bathroom. Apparently my attempt to create a super sonic flushing device had farther reaching implications than even I thought were possible.

Three days later I am no closer to a solution, after several forays into the portal (obviously with a rope tied around my waste so Sasha my trained orangutan could pull me back in necessary) it does not actually seem to lead anywhere. Several times I saw glimpses of destroyed cites, several with burning banners declaring "GORE 4 MORE YEARS!", and a few times fields with naked buxom women frolicking through them. I have made an attempt to get into these fields but so far to no avail.

I have settled for simply closing the portal unless someone can tell how to get to the women, or possibly what that city was. Does anyone know a plumber with a degree in theoretical stupidity that could possibly close the portal without destroying too much of the tile work?