At some point along the road, I got pretty confused. And now I'm pretty screwed up. What do I do?

These are some things that I've never told anyone. I'd like to know how screwed up I am and what I can do about it.

Me as a young boy: Living in a pretty standard neighborhood, a fair number of boys my own age to make friends with. I remember that at first I was pretty normal. I got along with the other boys, could call them friends, would go out and play sports, bike, etc. Normal.

At some point, I developed a 'best friend' relationship with a boy named Randy. Randy was a few years older than me, I looked up to him, and we got along dandy. At some point, and I'm not sure how it began, we started 'experimenting' with one another. Showing each other what we had, touching (nothing 'sexual', as we didn't know enough about what to do), maybe getting a little under dressed and wrestling. We definitely knew it was 'not right' according to what our parents would think, but we seemed to enjoy it, would get horny, etc.

Eventually, Randy stopped coming over to my house. I think he began to feel that what we were doing was wrong personally, but I didn't. When he did come over, I would still pursue these actions, and he would be uninterested. Our relationship trailed off, we stopped talking.

After that happened, I repeated the same thing with another boy. We started to become friends, would visit each others houses, eventually began 'experimenting'. Eventually the other boy became uninterested, stopped responding to my continued interest. A repeat of the first case.

The same thing happened with another boy. This time, however, my parents caught onto it. They contacted the boy's parents and told them, my father took me aside and had a 'birds and the bees' talk, chalking up my actions with another boy to be 'curiosity'.

After this, I found that I was no longer 'normal' according to the other children. It seemed that I was shunned. The other boys who I had been experimenting with made it clear to the rest of the children that I was not normal, and I found that I had few friends left in the neighborhood.

End neighborhood relationships, begin school relationships.

Beginning elementary school, I was pretty normal. I made friends easily, was accepted, all that good stuff.
Around grade 3 I developed a 'best friend' relationship with another boy. This boy was popular, good looking, athletic basketball player. We would visit each others houses, do lots of things together, etc. At one point we had a sleepover. During this, I made advances similar to what I did at a slightly younger age. The boy was uninterested, was disgusted, and we stopped being friends. For whatever reason, after this, I stopped making friends easily. Whether it was because the popular boy shared stories about me, or because my personality changed. I became quiet, shy, introverted, had no friends.

The sort of personality stayed with my throughout the rest of grade school. I was withdrawn and quiet, and really just had no interest in even trying to make friends with others.

Flash forward to today. I am a 23 y/o male, recently graduated from college, pursuing medicine, very interested in science. I have not been in a relationship or had sex in 2+ years (and that was with a girl). One of my few friends is a 19 y/o male.

I have been attracted to this 19 y/o male for several years (while we were attending the same university). After I graduated, I stopped thinking about him, but I recently went on a ski trip with him, and I found that my feelings for him are just as strong, if not stronger.

It is not just a sexual interest. He is smart and funny. I enjoy being around him, converse easily, find the same things funny, have the same thoughts as he has them (at which point we look at each other and crack up, while no one else seems to get the joke). I also find him sexually attractive. Slim athletic build, pretty facial features. You get the idea.

Despite my truly powerful desire to confess my feelings and hope so hard that he is either interested or not so disgusted that he shuns me henceforth, I can't help but notice the pattern my relationships have followed before.

Alone-> Found a friend->Became attracted to him->Showed sign of feelings->Friend does not share feelings, rebukes me, and makes distance->Alone

You see, I wonder if I am truly gay. I wonder if my feelings for him are not some artifact of developing an abnormal sense of friendship that must progress to being sexual. I wonder if this is not some self-destructive habit destined to leave me alone and miserable. I wonder if I am not just very horny because I have not had sex in so long. I'd like answers. I'd settle for opinions.

Oh btw, did I mention that I watch pedophilia? Yep. I'd never do anything to harm a child, but I am sexually attracted to images of underage girls and boys.