I fell in love...

I fell in love with my mtf transgendered best friend from high school who was in a serious long distance relationship with another girl. I knew about this girl and I didn't care. My friend had permission from her gf to be with me so we did our thing. It was the most intense few months of my life.

It finally ended when her gf decided that she couldn't handle that my friend had fallen in love with me. I had also fallen in love with her. After we split, we stayed close friends and she eventually asked me if we wanted to begin a friends-with-benefits arrangement. I agreed thinking that I could restrict it to just a physical connection, even though somewhere deep down I knew I couldn't.

We did this until graduation and then we spent the summer together and then she left for school in California while I headed to Canada. We have since drifted so far apart which is not for my lack of trying. It is one of my biggest regrets.

Only 4 people know about us: Her, her (now ex) gf, me and one friend that I have confided in. My best friend (also best friends with the girl I was with) does not know and I don't want to tell her because I don't want her to hate or resent me for not telling her. My current boyfriend also doesn't know and I don't know how to tell him. It's hard to explain that I am not a lesbian, I love him, but not because he is a boy. I'm scared to tell him that I didn't fall in love with my friend because of her gender. I'm scared that he will think badly about me because I've kept this from him. We are always honest with each other and I've hinted at it trying to get him to ask me something to get it out of me. I just can't say it. It's so hard. names not included because I don't know who could be reading this and putting two and two together