Recently Took a Trip...

Hello, I recently took a trip with my friend's family to go skiing. I had been in a slump and thought that this trip would help a lot with cheering me up, however, it seemed to have had the opposite effect.

I had a fun time, I enjoyed every minute of the trip. I was asked if I was homesick, and the funny thing was, I wasn't. I hadn't been gone this long from my home ever (around a week), nor that far. I was actually disdaining the thought of going home.

Well, when I got home it hit me. My whole seventeen years of existence has seemed to be such a boring, insignificant waste of time. I honestly regret having gone with them, I feel as if I would have lived in ignorance afterwards.

But now I find myself emotionless, I can't even seem to cry (which I find pathetic as well) because that seems pointless too. I realized many things about myself. The time I waste, despite my existence seeming very unimportant. I hadn't realized how hopeless I was until now.

I'm not the smartest, or athletic, or really anything, most of my family even considers me unattractive (I'm the ugly duckling essentially), I've never been in a relationship. In any conversation, I'm the one that constantly gets interrupted, nobody really seems to care what I have to say. I think of ways of how I could end my life instantly, like when crossing the highway, I've considered just pushing on the gas and getting T-boned by an eighteen-wheeler. I don't think many people would mind.

I've managed to cut myself off from most of my classmates, because I'm rather selective in who my friends are I usually don't get invited to things because my friends know I hate the other people they will invite, which is much more significant than inviting me.

I've realized I did this to myself, and I also realized how fake I am. Most of my personality is made up so as to avoid drama, I feel as most of my life has been an act. Most of my friends I only merely tolerate, and the others I don't really want to inform them of my own troubles. I've realized that I am replaceable, unnecessary, and quite frankly a bore.

There are also many other factors in which I have contributed to my self-made misery. I got a car near my birthday, well, there's more of a story to it, around last year I got a job in order to buy a car, not wishing to burden my parents with paying for it (though they happily did it for the other five children). However, my wonderful father (My dad constantly tells me how I'm dumb, useless, worthless, a piece of shit, fat, ugly, and whatever else comes to mind for him.) was obstinate in actually letting me get one. Months passed and I was finally ready to quit my shitty job.

I get home from work and SURPRISE! I get my car, I was going home to tell my parents that I was going to quit, and I was actually going to use my money (a few thousand dollars) to buy a few things I wanted and store the rest. Well, instead I got saddled with dedicating each of my paychecks to my parents until I get out of high school.

I sincerely, honestly, regret taking that damned trip. I hope each day that some horrid thing happens to me in my sleep so I could just die in peace. I figure committing suicide is not the way to go, but I want some sort of conclusion to this sob story that is my life.

Oh well.

I'm also quite confident I have General and Social Anxiety Disorder, because I'm so afraid to do/say anything that I hate all interactions with other people.