I just sent this letter to a girl I've grown feelings for. Is it shitty?

Ten years ago, I gave serious thought to driving to the girl's house whom I liked and leaving a love note on her front door. Though I was too much of a pussy to tell her to her face, and emails weren't as prevalent as they are today, I figured that was the best way to tell her how I felt. Unbeknownst to me, a good friend of mine had the exact same idea. Also, unbeknownst to be, he was a huge douchebag. Though I decided against doing it because she was in a relationship that was already going on a year, he decided to go ahead and do that exact thing because he doesn't really care about other people. If he really had feelings for her, he would not leave her a note telling her to break up with her boyfriend (I would have not explicitly said that in a note because I have a heart). Years later, this same friend would hit on my longtime girlfriend knowing I had been with her for a while. I am still friends with this person because, again, I am a huge pussy. I guess that's why he's married now and I'm still single.

It should also be noted that this crush of mine's boyfriend was the poster child for averageness. He was conventionally good-looking and smart. In college, he majored in business. He had absolutely no personality, and on a scale from one to evil, he was about a six. For example, one day in high school, all of the students who had good enough grades were invited to the Astrodome for a free lunch thing. On the way there, he told me how disgusted he was that he was placed in the same group as all of these other people he thought were sub-par. Though I wanted to punch him in his fucking ear, I didn't, because, again, I am a pussy. I wanted to scream at him that he's dating the most beautiful girl in the world, has a wealthy family, and is better off than 99% of the world's population. If he were born in a third world country, he would be dead before his mother would subsequently die from his own unsanitary birth. I should have just told him off instead of being kind-of friends with him for ten years. If I never saw him again after tonight, my life would be no better or worse.

Anyway, the other douchebag friend left the note on her door, which, again, is extremely weird because I was thinking of doing that exact thing. Afterwards, of course, she rejected him. After hearing of the story, I was 1. really happy I didn't go ahead with my plan and 2. self-assured that my love letter would have been better than his. I went through the rest of high school with this girl on my mind. To make things better (worse), I kind of got the feeling that she had feelings for me, too. She would leave me not-so-subtle hints of this attraction. (ie.resting her feet on my lap, running her fingers through my hair repeatedly, and telling me she was attracted to me but couldn't do anything because she was dating another guy). Actually, that third one was was a huge giveaway. Meanwhile, the only girl I managed to date was a neighbor who turned out to have a much bigger crush on another friend of mine.

However, I've always had regret that I didn't write her a letter telling her how I felt. I had to watch these two people date, and then get married. I am not writing this because I expect to end up with you. I know that that is (probably) not possible. I am writing this because I am sick of regretting things I never had the courage to do. Of course, this is ironic because I'm still not telling this to you. I am typing it in an anonymous email where it's really easy to figure out who I am.

So the hugeness of my crush was dampened a lot when I met you. It was easier to like you than her, because this was more like a real crush and not some high school crush, if that makes any sense. Plus, this attraction is more multifaceted after having realized year after year how great you are. I didn't like you as more than a friend at first. You were just a cool girl that for some reason liked hanging out with me. These feelings all developed after years of friendship. Also, I couldn't really be angry about the guy you decided to date at the time, or really any guys you've dated. They were all, I think, genuinely good people, and not fucking tools. So, instead of driving to Woodstock in the middle of the night to deliver some desperate high school love letter, I am writing you one from the comfort of my home. However, the risk this time is much worse. I'm risking our friendship, but I think I'm okay with that. I never take any risks, though this one is basically lose-lose for me.

When I say 'I love you.' and you say 'I love you.', I think we mean slightly different things. I think you already knew that, but now I'm sure you know.

Kick ass in MA.

I love you.

Love, Me