I might've done something stupid, but now I'm at a loss about what to do. [Long post, excerpts of emails inside]

This is going to be a long post and involves something stupid I did a month ago. In a drunken stupor (because alcohol isn't the wisest drink to have while making life decisions), I sent a letter to my ex from a three year relationship I had three years ago. I sent her this e-mail telling her how I felt (I'll put a copy of it in the comments to this thread). This was her response (obvious identifying details have been removed).

Dear indianhopetrick,

Yep, does come as a surprise! Especially the timing of it, i'll explain below.

Also, I really didnt mean to not reply and keep you waiting for a reply - I've been going through a lot lately, and really wanted to think about what i wanted to say to you, and not respond offhandedly. But then, i realised that I put it off for so long (nearly a month?) and that I was inadvertantly disrespecting you. Again, which was not my intention at all.

You are right - so much has changed since we last spoke. I met someone and was with him for a year or so I think. The end of it was so messy and painful that I'm going through exactly what you described below. I thought I could trust this person, but now I have serious doubts about my ability to gauge people. I guess it was some sort of divine retribution for the way I had let you down. Anyway, without opening the floodgates to self pity, let me just say that I am still healing from that. I was really surprised to see your email, which popped up in my inbox exactly a week after I had decided to end things with him (exact almost to the hour!) The other (and main) thing i'm upset about is that Dad has not been keeping well. We've had some scares with him being rushed to the hospital and all, and his health is something which literally keeps me up at nights. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am not the same person I used to be - am possibly a worse version because am so preoccupied with things. I cant seem to empathise with other people and am always thinking of my own situation in life. Maybe, hopefully, this is only a phase.

Please dont apologise for anything, we both know that it was my fault for handling things like that. You were always understanding, letting me take my time and letting me be so unreasonable about the whole thing. You still are, by choosing to reach out to me again to offer your friendship and love. It amazes me sometimes, to see how you can be so supportive when i havent really done anything to deserve it. I told you before, and I still think, that I am not worth it. You are doing so well for yourself and you really dont need me to pull you down now.

Speaking of which, am happy that you are in a good place now - having completing the course you always wanted to do, and in a job which you find interesting and challenging. Congratulations on the new addition to the family, I am sure she is adorable. I am still with Company XYZ and recently got promoted to an Associate position. We also managed to buy a small house with my savings, and I am happy that my parents will have that as some sort of an asset when i go off to study or when i eventually get married. I havent had the chance to study further because of the issues at home, somehow I feel that I cannot afford to stop working. Not now, with dad not keeping well. I've been researching courses and universities for so long now, and frankly am starting to get frustrated. Hopefully i should be able to study within the next year or two.

Even as I was typing this out, I realised how happy you used to make me. But I dont trust myself anymore, and it would kill me if i were to give you any false hopes again. So, as you said below, I will understand if you do not respond to this email. I could not let your mail go unanswered and so I thought would let you know what I think.

Take care of yourself, and I apologise again for putting you through all this pain.

R.S.

I can't talk about it to any of my best friends because they don't understand - they're still with the same girlfriends they had since high school and are happy. I still love her very much (haven't dated since then) and want to keep the possibility of another chance open without looking like I'm pressuring her into anything. But even then, I'm torn between feeling guilty and wanting to be with her or to let her go and feel like I chickened out of something that could've been great.

I just got her reply this morning, nearly a month after sending it to her and my entire morning has been a blur since - I really need some advice on what to do... I feel lost because I think I have a chance to be with the one I've always wanted, and at the same time feel that I could lose her forever if I make a mistake. Please, members of r/relationships - help me.