This post started as just one thing, but now it's kind of a rant. Sorry.

I'm 16, and I've had depression issues the past few years. I had honestly thought I was coming out of it after summer started. I won't bore you with every last detail, but basically this girl I know and like brought me back in. I felt over the freshman year and the summer when we hung out, I grew to think I had a shot with her. I've liked her since before then, but I didn't know her well and didn't realize how much I really did like her. Looking back, I think I'm trying to make myself feel better by saying there were at least moments in which she tried to get close to me that I didn't pick up on. At this point, I don't think I'm stable enough to really judge.

So eventually, I got around to texting her. In the beginning I didn't text her all that often but eventually it got around to me texting her multiple times a day, days in a row. I was so blind, I didn't realize how bad it had gotten. I didn't even get a response from her most of the time. It even got to the point where I would text her trying to get reassurance or trying to get someone to confirm what I was thinking whenever I fell into another rut.

The thing is, I just know she doesn't like me. She may think of me as somewhat of a friend, really more of an acquaintance. I'm the close friend of the guy that I know makes her happy, and just another classmate she's had class with since middle school.

I just am having a hard time accepting it. I want to be the guy. You know, the guy that makes her happy. I think I re-doubled my efforts when I found out about her having depression. I sorta felt a connection. I could really relate. I'll admit to selfishly escalating from mentioning my depression to let her know that I know how she feels, to mentioning it to try and draw her in to me.

I think I really wanted to talk to her, and share my sadness with her, once I worked myself up. I chickened out though. I wouldn't tell her. It's an awkward story with tons of fuck-ups and embarrassing moments. However I will say it had gotten to the point several times, where I seriously contemplated killing myself. No, I wouldn't call it contemplation.. It was full blown out nights where I had written a note, prepared plans, a knife, and maybe I even stacked up a 'shrine' of things I wanted nearby after I did the deed.

If you're wondering, several things stopped me from killing myself.

• Usually I thought how fucking painful it'd feel.
• What if I survived?
• Overdosing on that would only seriously harm my organs for me after waking up after my stomach gets pumped at a hospital.
• I didn't want my best friend, who is like a brother to me, to see me like that.
• My family and few friends would sure as hell miss me. It'd be a crappy thing for me to do that to them, especially my mother.

Back to the topic. I fucked up. I went over the top. I became obsessed, to an extent. I wanted to know what she thought. I wanted to know how she felt. I would regularly check her twitter, Reddit comment history, and later on her Tumblr. She actually was the one that introduced me to Reddit. Her Tumblr, I only started reading after her mentioning having one, one day in class. I remember her saying she wasn't going to tell anyone about it because she wanted it to be completely anonymous so no one she knew could read it. I did a google search to see if she used her usually username, and that's how I found it.

I didn't think it at the time, but now I feel that I had ended up as some desperate stalker-guy. Never in a million years would I have have predicted that something could make me think that! I feel like I have gone so low, and I feel like I'm a terrible person..

But I just can't get her out of my head. I want to just disappear and let her live her life, with me having no interaction. Of all things, this is the one thing I'm sure I want to do.

But as I said, she's always on my mind. For months now, if I dream, she's in it. Every single day. I remember my dreams more than ever now. And she is in every last one of them. It's constantly switching between being a good dream and a bad dream. One of the ones I remember best was one where we were at a party and I work up the courage to ask her to a dance. We were dressed up like we were for Homecoming. People in the house are rocking out to party music, there are rave lights flashing everywhere. I offer her my hand and walk her outside and to the strangely level driveway. The lighting is dim, only coming from far away streetlights and the lights on either end of the garage door. There's a slight breeze, and it's a bit brisk outside but that didn't seem to bother us. I clasped her hand in mine, and put my other hand on the small of her back, and we began to slow dance. I remember in the background, romantic music started playing. Hell, at one point I remember during the dance a car drove by with a married couple looking like they were in their 80's, and they saw us and gave us sly smiles. And the dancing went on for what seemed like hours. As it went on we got closer and closer.

One of the worst dreams I had was pretty short. I was walking down a wide hallway to class, and there were rows of tiny lockers in the middle. They looked like this, but imagine the middle row not being there, and it being like a shelf. Well I passed by a set of these lockers, and on the other side of them you could see the whole upper body of the people using their lockers. I saw her and the close friend I mentioned standing together. He didn't notice me, but she did. She saw me and instantly started ignoring me. She was in his arms and they were smiling. You could feel the happiness radiating off them. Well, I just kept on walking down the hallway thinking of what I had just seen.

No matter the dream, she's always in it, somewhere. I see something awesome I think, "Oh man, she'd really like this!". Or, "Oh man, I really should tell her about this!". It makes me sad thinking about how I can't shake her, and even more that I can't make something of it.. That I won't be able to make her mine and make her happy. It brought back my depression, and I've already had another suicidal moment. I cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking about how far I've fallen.

It's to the point where I am constantly switching between highs and lows. Yesterday, I dressed up in some of my nicest clothes, woke up early, tidied up the house, did laundry, and cleaned myself up as best as I could. I thought, "You know what? Today will be the start of me coming back out of it. I'm going to overcome this, and I will not let myself be sad anymore,". I had a sense of pride in myself again and felt good.

Today comes around, and I wake up at three in the afternoon. I don't shower, I don't do any of that stuff. Not even deodorant. I pick up some old clothes from the hamper, throw those on, and play Battlefield 3 for hours. I feel like shit and am back down in the dumps again. This whole ordeal has been going on for a few days now. I jump from one extreme to the complete opposite extreme..

I posted this originally because I just wanted to talk about how I fucked up, and this thing with her has thrown me back into being depressed worse than ever before. My grades severely dropped this semester and I am starting to worry about my mental health. I feel like I'm starting to lose it completely. I hope for support, advice, confirmation, whatever this subreddit has to offer. I don't trust myself to think properly anymore. Should I really just drop off the face of the Earth?

This kind of turned into a rant after I worked myself up.

Halfway through typing this, I realized that the girl who I've fucked up with might read this subreddit, too. I tried not to leave anything out, so I'm really hoping that if she does, she doesn't read this.