Just need a rant

When it's late at night, I feel worse. I don't have to start thinking about it, I just end up feeling depressed. I have things that I want to live for, but sometimes, I just don't feel like living. Sometimes, I feel like crying, sleeping all day, or just ending it. I guess I'm improving: I don't think about hurting myself or suicide as much. But there are still days when I do.

I suppose the worst part is that, when I think about it, I realise what an arsehole I am. I'm impatient, cynical, sarcastic, and I'm often a dick to my friends. I feel unoriginal and worthless. I can make people laugh, but it's only things I remeber from reddit, /b/, or television. I feel like a disappointment to my parents most of the time. I rarely get praise, but the complaints stick in my head. I can't focus well and I have a large tendency to procrastinate.

I don't have much to live for, but I guess it would help to figure what I do have. There's asking out my boyfriend (when I get the gall), watching the world improve, and maybe doing my small part to help. Maybe I won't be able to do much as a biology teacher or as a philosopher or as whatever I end up becoming, but maybe I can at least be a philanthropist. The future, though, seems dismal for me. I'd love to go to a school like MIT and become a research scientist, but I'm concerned about my math grades. I have never been good at math, and I don't see much hope for improving. It feels like my flaws rather outweigh any advantages I have.

I just don't feel worth the effort others put forth for me. I feel like a piece of shit and I don't want to keep being a burden. I think about running away sometimes, or about hurting myself, or just killing myself. I know these are the worst decisions to make, but I constantly feel at the end of my rope. /rant