heroin

Today is not the first time my boyfriend is going to try to kick the habit. But it is the last. It may or may not be his last time. But it will be the last time my boyfriend tries to kick the habit. I can not take being pulled though the mud again. Today, not unlike many days I have seen, he has been caught in a web of lies. There aren't many twists I don't see coming, and there are not too many tales he can pass off as the real story. He has said it all before, and now he tries desperately to cling to playing dumb. I don't know where things went wrong, but somehow I ended up being "that" girl. One of the many girls I look at and think, why? Why is it so hard for you to just get rid of that loser? When something only pulls you down, why is it so hard to just let go? I've let so many other people in my life go, why is he so different.

I'll tell you why.

He has a light in his eyes, and a fire in his heart. When he is sober he is beautiful. There isn't a man on the planet who can replace him. He has a way of bringing out the best in me. He can move mountains, and make my fears disappear. And he can make the worst day turn around, and he can put a smile on anyone's face. It's like the man I am with sometimes gets trapped inside his heart. But I can see it glimmer. And I know he's still there. That's light that I am reaching for.

I see the pain in his eyes when he tells me what he's done. The way he can't look at me as he tells me he's messed up again. I know he's embarrassed and ashamed. I know he wishes things didn't end up like this, again. Sometimes I wish he had the will power, the strength, or even loved me enough to just be done. I know this isn't my fault. But I feel like I could help, if he would just let me.

They say you will never understand the thought process of an addict, until you become one. I guess I will never know..