[3211] Technical Difficulties

Yikes.

So this is both the first time I've ever posted here (Eviscerate me, you cockeyed fools) and the first time anyone other than my very patient and supportive girlfriend has read anything I've written.

This project started off as a way for me to practice the oft-maligned craft of dialogue. In my many other (unfinished) stories, I am absolutely terrified of creating it and will do whatever I have to do in order to get around it. And so for this story, I have decided to write characters that I can relate to, living in a time that I can relate to (the here and the now) and yet at the same time; dealing with a situation no one can relate to.

I am not married to the name of this story, it is simply a placeholder one. And when you reach the end of this first chapter, you will surely understand why I decided to hastily name it so.

Do my characters speak like people? Better put, does anything about my story come off as cliche or camp?

Can you kind of see where the story is going? Does it remind you of a TV show, a movie, a soundtrack, an album?

Do you think more things should have happened? Please let me know and thanks.

*Oh and P.S., I have no idea how to link things as neatly as I should, so if the links to my previous critiques assault your eyes, please forgive me dear, reader. Consider the name of my first submission to be your warning.

Here is my story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1JVta_0Jd2MnowjumXQy6-OeeuvbKjKc_TXydkGw2hJE/edit?usp=sharing

And here are my previous crits:

1674 (Part 1)

1674 (Part 2)

2303 (Part 1)

2303 (Part 2)