Hitting parked cars with golfballs
from the roof of your downtown
apartment.
Watching dashboards catch crumpled glass
like a handful of borrowed
jewelry.
Praying to a galaxy-ful parking lot
that tomorrow won't come. That we'll
wake up as memories, as far away as the morning
sun.
[1] (https://old.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/nuyyqi/the_sticker_door/h10wx30/)
Posted Jun 8, 2021, 1:41 PM UTC
This poem manages to give away so much with very few words. To me, it resonates a sense of helplessness and despair. I just hope you’re doing okay.
That's interesting, I think I did mean to have some sense of helplessness, but more so a celebration of chaos. I'm doing great though, thank you for checking out my poem!
Just commenting to say that I love this! It starts out pretty funny and ends on a deeper note about not wanting tomorrow to come. Especially if they've got to pay damages!
Thank you for checking it out!
I love the way you compare the broken pieces of glass with jewelry. Fkn amazing man!
Keep writing more great pieces!
Agreed with what’s been said about this being strong— I think any technical critique I give will just tailor this to my tastes specifically, lol (if you care I wish it were “handfuls” instead of “a handful” I think it sounds better and still maintains contrast with “galaxy-ful”). I love the use of galaxy-ful— at first I didn’t catch the contrast between it and handful and thought it was just a nice use of descriptive imagery, but in context it really opens up the image and packs in all sorts of different emotions at once. Well done!
I definitely struggled the most with word choice right there, I also think handfuls works well but did want it to echo back in the next stanza. Appreciate the kind words, and thanks for checking it out!
There is some really strong imagery here, honestly quite beautiful in the second stanza “watching dashboards catch crumpled glass like a handful of borrowed jewelry”. I really saw the image unfold in my mind. I also like the tense you used in the first stanza to open the piece up - the “hitting” as well as the “your”, making the actions of the subject in the poem seem like a common pastime and less personable. I think it would’ve been nice in the last stanza to have a line break after the ended sentence, before “that we’ll”, and then another line break after the comma, starting with “as far away” (although, that is purely my personal preference). Your poem paints a picture of drunken teenage recklessness or something; not necessarily teenage, but that is the stereotypical image that comes to mind. Beautiful piece - short, concise, powerful. And a lovely simile to end on with the morning sun.
Watching dashboards catch crumpled glass
like a handful of borrowed
jewelry.
I don't understand jewelry here :o "catch crumpled glass" is so clear for me. Really good image.
Praying to a galaxy-ful parking lot
I'm thinking of miniature galaxies, and golf balls like asteroids.
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This is a strong poem. You give tangible glimpses into a rough night. Senseless vandalism in comped to an act of theft, but I don't get the sense that this is youthful indescrition caused by boredom. The closing words suggest someone struggling to come to terms with something. "Praying to a galaxy-ful parking lot
that tomorrow won't come. That we'll wake up as memories, as far away as the morning sun." I imagine a fresh breakup and the anger and antisocial frustration that might come from that.
P.S. You owe me a new windshield. That was a dick move.
Thanks for taking the time to read my poem! I was trying to get beyond senseless vandalism, so I'm happy to hear that came across.
I promise to send over a Safelite guy ASAP!