A bit of context: This is a story of grief. About a close family member I lost to an accident. But I want to know it you could’ve guessed that without this explanation, if it’s clear or not? Thanks for the feedback in advance!
My work
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1EsQP2U9mA5lLwgszKZ1DxXROyU60v5n_KRH6jfggEo0/edit
Critique:
Posted Jun 14, 2021, 1:38 PM UTC
I think it's great. I knew it was someone who passed and the realization. Manifested in my mind appropriately. I don't think I needed more clues. Read you comment after I read the piece, so without any knowledge it came through. Very good.
Yes, I could tell. Also, this is marvellous evocative writing. Magic.
I enjoyed it quite a lot and the unclarity of it made it, in my opinion, better. It felt like it could relate to more people. I liked that you used the character's music box because it makes it more emotional, or connected to the character.
My only qualm about it is that I would've been quite confused if I hadn't read the context you provided. But I would like to keep that unclarity and instead, make one more paragraph hinting towards the little sister's death.
I read the story before your context, and it was clear to me what it was about. Not completely, mind you, but enough to assume it.
I love the minimalist style of the drawing, and it's even more beautiful as it comes after such a powerful closing line.
I really like it.
This is beautiful work with powerful emotions.
Becuase the piece reads like it has music of its own, you might conisder changing the final word of smell to scent.
Illustration. Cute. I focus on the lid of the box music though, because of the heavy dark line weight, but I assume the sister is your intended subject, yet she falls into the to page, because her torso is white on white. A dark blotch behind her would lift her off page. Don't be afraid to make the lines of the box grey and keep hers black.
Text. Fun idea. But I prefer your quirky composition/integration of text in your previous works. If this were my illustration all the text would be hand drawn to match the visual style of the illustration. In all the works the hard text is not cohesive with the drawing. Perhaps more creative font choice and take more risks with integration of text and drawing.
Overall. There is a naive sweetness to all these pieces, so you are scoring well on charm, which is a strong selling point. Best wishes.
I didn't read the context you provided and I was going to ask if it was about someone who had passed, or someone who you just had not seen in a while. I do think it would be have more an impact if made more clear.
"Now, even though I haven't heard her voice in months,"
Could be:
"Now, even though I haven't heard her voice since she passed,"
Initially I didn't like the "hear her smell," line, but now I love it. Synesthesia is underused in writing because it's not easy to execute well, but I think you nailed it. Maybe use the word "scent" instead of "smell"? I'm not even sure which I prefer but just something to think about.
Otherwise I truly loved this. It's not easy to bring emotional gravity to a reader in 54 words, but you did it nicely.
I disagree on the making it more clear. I think it is clear enough and spelling it out more would be like explaining a joke after the punchline. Also, I'm a big fan of the synesthetic line at the end, so totally agree with you there. It is a tad awkward to read at first, but it works.
The more I think about it, the more I'm agreeing not to change it lol. I think it works fine as is, just leaving it "haven't heard her voice in months."